I know the meds I take to sleep while on rituxan/massive prednisone fucks with my brain (this is why I am documenting my nightmares as a side effect as I come off of it, and how I know it is my subconscious trying to rebalance my feelings on me.) Which, as I have now taken
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a pill for my anxiety, I can calmly express to myself that I know I don't hate myself, I do not consider myself an evil person, and rationalize that I am going through an Emotionally Stressful Time. It has been an EST that has been like stepping up stairs, and while
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taking a Rituxan dose to insure I'll be okay through the winter was super smart, doing it right before a 1000 mile move knowing that the meds I take to get through it screw with me mentally was a BAD IDEA. I am super paranoid right now that everyone hates me and that
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I am a terrible friend, even when I have evidence to the contrary. This is a long way to say this hasn't been a good Tuesday, and I am so exhausted by myself. I am ready for next week for several reasons: *I see my old doctor who I absolutely adore, who will help me find a way
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to deal with my autoimmune diseases and I will honestly tell that we need to find a new sleep aid for my next round of Rituxan....or I need a new miracle med. *I start therapy with someone who I really like so far, and I'm hoping it'll help me focus on the things
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I should be, rather than obsessing about things I shouldn't be. And we can start a real discussion on if I should be on anxiety meds permanently. *More of my apartment will be put together/cleaned/less chaotically messy, and I'll feel better and be able to write.
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*And I'll likely have seen more friends that remind me that I am not a god awful person. Because rather than focusing on my feeling alone/isolated, my brain is really focusing on that.
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Anyways, treating my Twitter rather than my blog like a diary is probably a bad idea, but sometimes acknowledging things aren't okay and that I know they will be eventually really helps. Also, so does anxiety meds. And maybe it helps someone else having a bad day.
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So now, for the love of god, I am going to go focus on work for the next 6-7 hours, and make Costco/Publix/Sams shopping lists.
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