I’ve said that I wanted to be more transparent about these things here, and somehow the fact that so much of Twitter is based in detached indifference to other people makes it easier to say that today was one of the worst mental health days I’ve had in a long time.
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I went into my office today, and spent much of the day crying off and on at my desk. I miss my niece. I miss my sister. I miss my friends. I don’t know when I’ll see any of them again.
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Every person I see walking around without a mask, or with one pulled down under their chin is another reminder of how foolish I was to think we could think of someone other than ourselves for once in our lives.
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But who am I to judge? I’m nobody special. I’m not anybody worth saving. What have I accomplished? I wrote a book nobody’s going to read. I’m an old fool for thinking I could make it now as a film writer. People want to hear from fresh young voices, and they’re right to.
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I know, I know, this is my brain lying to me. I’ve heard it before. And I know that I’ll get my ability to write, to turn a phrase in an amusing way back sometime. I know things will get better sometime.
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But I tell you, when I walk through downtown Brooklyn right now and I see more uncovered faces than I’ve seen in a long time, I wonder if sometime will ever come. I wonder if there’s a point to my continuing to get up every day and keep muddling through like a good soldier.
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How do you keep going in a world full of people who clearly know something you don’t? I’ve been asking myself that for years, and have yet to get answer.
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I’m not going to hurt myself. But I feel more hopeless and exhausted and pointless than I’ve felt in a long time. I’m not going to hurt myself. But I don’t really feel like living right now.
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I feel this in my bones. It's basically been my June numbness. I love you, and I miss you dearly. This shit sucks. And I think the world of you, but I also know that when brains are like this, that doesn't seep in easily. But I do.
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Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
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