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All that's written down in my notes are descriptions of me telling them how much I hated my body. There was no questions to why I felt like that or how I came to feel like that. There is nothing saying "We have explored 'his' dysphoric feelings and tried to find the root of it".
This is what is written: "The sessions at GIDS have focused on understanding the intensity of <NAME'S> conviction that he is male and the strength of his determination to transition to living fully as male and pursuing physical treatment."
It's like they only assessed how much I hated myself. Here's some more bits from my records below.
"He made it clear that he feels his female body is utterly wrong, especially with regards to height and shape, and he revealed a very intense and unrelenting preoccupation with this."
"He presents with a complex picture of desperation for physical intervention, associated with intense loathing of his female body, and a somewhat simplistic idea of what will make him feel contented."
"In a young person so intensely focused on bodily issues, <NAME> communicates little about how he hopes and imagines a life interacting with others as male, especially as he currently lives a life isolated from his peers."
"His wish to transition and to fully realise his male identity has now become the central and dominating focus of his life. He brings a certain degree of all-or-nothing inflexibility and rigidity of thinking to his experience and expression of his cross gender identity."
"He meets the criteria for a diagnosis of GID. He has a clear wish for HRT & surgery. He is not managing to tolerate his physical distress as he waits for treatments to become available but experiences intense upset at his female body and has little else to focus on in his life."
What's the criteria? Well I was a tomboy who referred to my breasts as "disgusting growths" and hated being a girl. Those were my words & thoughts. I also had a clear fixation on transition as the answer to my struggles (which I now think should have been looked at more closely).
It's only now, as an adult, that I can see what was behind the words and feelings that I held back then. Maybe if someone had pushed me I could have seen it sooner.
Am I to blame that they didn't push? That they didn't bother to see if there was something more to my story? That they just assumed a kid has the introspection skills of an adult with actual life experience? I was a 14 year old, they were supposed to be the professionals. (12/12)
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