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Just musing on some thoughts, I said at the start that I was ok with top surgery, that I was okay with some of the changes. But I feel with every passing day, it just gets a little less okay. I think I've been lying to myself. It's only okay in a "well I can't change it" way.
I think at the start, I tried to cling onto my male identity, even a non-binary identity. I'd chosen a neutral name as opposed to reverting to my birth one, although now I miss it. oh, haha. I guess I was thinking of ways to trick myself and make the regret a little less real.
I had a dream the other night I looked in the mirror and saw a woman looking back, a dream like that would have disturbed me just a year ago, but I just felt happy. And then I woke and just 
I don't think I'll be done feeling like this about it all for a while.
i know what you mean 
i did it too. i think that coming to terms with my transition and how it really happened has been a difficult process. it's so much easier to deflect and find ways to run away from the reality of the situation, but even doing that can be acting dishonestly
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