A View From the Peanut Gallery

Hello if you are an anxiety disaster who owns a Nintendo Switch and wants a game where the stakes are fairly low, I highly recommend COFFEE TALK. You're a barista. You listen to people talk. You make them drinks. You have regulars. It's great.

Do you ever start typing out a tweet and just, “nah, it’s not worth it.”

There is some room for ambivalence in that it's stupid that Iowa is afforded so much importance in the first place, even though the candidates who did well there probably did get screwed by the results-reporting disaster tonight.

Anyone want a free teenager? Has all her shots. Mostly housebroken.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets? me: sometimes you don't know something's really stupid until you send it out into the world my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*

Me approaching a senior a NCO and returning his salute: “Good afternoon... uh... first... sergeant... major. The first sergeant major I’ve seen this afternoon.” We need giant, non-subdued rank for senior NCOs.

I know caucuses can be a bit confusing to non-Americans, so here’s how they work: first they gather up a great pile of stones, then everyone in town arrives, then the families take a piece of paper from the black box, and if you pull a paper with a black spot you get sacrificed

I want to live in your James Bond cyber fantasies. Earlier today a trillion dollar corporation forgot to renew their SSL certificate.

Insecurities got these people feeling entitled to others phone screens

Never mess with a woman who has a neat military uniform and a very tight, slicked back bun. She definitely has a lighter and aerosol hairspray on her person.

Terry reminded me: It's canvassing season. Make sure the pants are on whenever you open the door until November. It's real awkward if you assume it's your partner coming home and you get it wrong. Real. Awkward.https://twitter.com/terry_go_online/status/1224498938696421377 …

Look, I don’t know how this got leaked to the internet already, but we’ve been developing a new program...https://twitter.com/giantcat9/status/1224460389397811202 …

“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others." Matthew 6:5https://twitter.com/marcorubio/status/1224289077274599424 …

Harry out here giving up the world for his wife and modeling what marriage should look like: a partnership. First royals I've ever given a damn about.https://twitter.com/ddarveyy/status/1223957993106087936 …

You people didn't listen to me when I said we shouldn't care about Iowa this much. Think on your sins as the hayseeds attempt to figure out what an Internet is to post results of their corn socials. #IowaCaucuses

After 10 years as a woman in the army, I KNOW sexuality isn’t a choice because I’m still straight despite being exposed to truly cringe straight men trying to score.

joe rogan is gwyneth paltrow for men?

My 2 yo daughter watched the Super Bowl halftime show. She’s now a stripper and selling pictures of her feet online. She’s supporting the entire family and we’ve never been more proud.