The final paragraph seems to be the central point. It’s not “panic!” but seems to be saying “these reasons not to panic are wrong.” 1/2pic.twitter.com/jyl5ZfgEAc
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Second, Scott very densely attributes mental actions to the program. He's an excellent writer, and if he didn't intend those to be literal, he would anticipate that some readers would take them as literal, and explicitly forestall that misunderstanding.
Third, if the content of the article were "oh, look, what this program does can be humorously misinterpreted as mental, in the same way you attribute thoughts to a dishwasher," it would be obviously pointless, and Scott doesn't do that.
Why not just ask Scott to clarify
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