Matt Wallace

It was all about the pipe weed, people. IT WAS ALL ALWAYS ABOUT THE PIPE WEED. And do you know who's at the center? The fucking Hobbits.

Here it is, straight-up: The Hobbit economy makes no fucking sense unless Hobbits are running a secret drug empire spanning Middle Earth.

That's right, the unassuming, perpetually dismissed and ignored 'harmless' little Hobbits. They are the Walter White of Middle Earth.

It all started with Sauron. He was indeed trying to conquer Middle Earth......'s illegal pipe weed drug trade. He was the original kingpin.

So the Elves--NOTORIOUSLY anti-pipe weed, the Elves--band together to topple Sauron's massive drug empire. And they do.

Enter Hobbits, seizing an opportunity. No one would EVER suspect them. They fill the Sauron gap, start manufacturing/distributing pipe weed.

The genius move is they UTILIZE their profile among the other races. They're openly like, "Yeah pipe weed it's a harmless lil Hobbit habit."

"You know us Hobbits," they say, "smokin' our pipe weed, being lazy an' shit." They turn their illicit product into a comical affectation.

Meanwhile, the Hobbits are stringing humans OUT on pipe weed. Making mad gold. Everyone's got a dope house filled with gourmet cheese.

And it's all on the QT. No one is the wiser. It's perfect. There's only ONE problem...what if Sauron comes back to reclaim his drug empire?

Cut to Bilbo Baggins, head of the Hobbit pipe weed cartel. Bilbo's no fool. He knows Sauron is still a threat, laying in the cut, like.

Bilbo needs insurance against Sauron's return. What insurance? What else, the mamajammin' ONE RING. It's the key. Bilbo knows it.

Revelation: The Hobbit is essentially The Usual Suspects and Bilbo is Keyser Soze the whole time. HE MASTERMINDED THE ENTIRE EXPEDITION.

The dwarves, the dragon, the gold, ALL of that bullshit. It was a smokescreen to get Bilbo inside the mountain so he could get the One Ring.

Bilbo knew about the One Ring the whole time and he wanted as insurance against Sauron's return. He duped EVERYONE to get it.

And it worked, better than even Bilbo could've planned it. The Hobbits sold pipe weed to half the veterans of The Battle of the Five Armies.

Cut to 60 years later. Bilbo has made his money, he's done the Pablo Escohobbit bit. He's older and wants out of the game.

Bilbo hears the rumblings. Gandalf brings the word Sauron is gathering strength again. Bilbo has the ring, but he doesn't want the hassle.

Oh, if Bilbo is the Keyser Soze of the Hobbit drug empire, Gandalf is his Kobayashi. He's the muscle. That's important. Remember that.

So Bilbo pulls the ultimate dick move: He dupes Frodo into take the reins as El Hefe of the Hobbit cartel w/o telling him Sauron is back.

Bilbo makes a big show of retiring. Frodo, you get the house, the ring, the crown. It's your time to shine, crazy diamond. ASSHOLE HOBBIT.

Bilbo fucks off to hide out with the Elves, who've no idea they're harboring Manuel Noriega after fighting a literal war on drugs.

Frodo is left holding the bag when he finds out Sauron is back for his turf. But Frodo is no fool, either. He's learned from his uncle.

That brings us to Saruman. Remember the pipe weed they found in Saruman's stores later? THOSE WERE SAMPLES, Y'ALL. HE WAS BEING RECRUITED.

Frodo sent Gandalf to broker a deal with Saruman. The Hobbits would cut him in on the pipe weed trade if he backed them against Sauron.

But Saruman double crosses the Hobbit cartel, imprisons Gandalf, keeps the pipe weed, and sides with Sauron in the coming drug war.

So Frodo's like, oh shit, I'm backed into a corner here. My only move now is to take out Sauron first. How do I do it? COUNCIL OF ELROND.

"I'll carry the ring," was Frodo tearing a page out of Bilbo's Keyser Soze playbook and using everyone else to carry out a hit on Sauron.

"But I don't know the way." BULL. SHIT. What, maps aren't a thing? He fuckin' knew what he was doing from jump street, people.

Frodo had the gift of the grift. That whole trilogy is just him running short and long cons on every fucking one in Middle Earth.