I have some questions about Jurassic Park: Fallen Kingdom: 1) What exactly are the millions of pharmaceutical uses of dinosaurs? 2) Since when does a dinosaur's blood type correspond to its number of toes? 3) What is Ken Wheatley planning to do with all those teeth?
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4) How did Dr. Wu genetically engineer the indoraptor to hone in on a laser beam? By cross-breeding it with a kitten? (And while we’re at it, why bother bioengineering a behavior you can achieve through good old Pavlov-style conditioning?)
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5) If you were a corrupt billionaire who knew how to clone humans, wouldn’t you stop mucking about in dinosaur trafficking and monetize that instead? 6) Is ICE too busy protecting our borders from five-year-olds to care about shipments of velociraptors?
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7) Why does Maisie have a British accent? 8) What’s up with the hydrogen cyanide? 9) Can I have a dumbwaiter? 10) Can Blue read? 11) Given its apparently unsurpassed sense of smell, why is it so hard for the indoraptor to find Maisie in her bedroom?
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12) Relatedly: can indoraptors not see in the dark? 13) Seeing as how the premise of this entire franchise is that dinosaurs can be cloned from preserved DNA, why bother smuggling live versions off an erupting volcanic island and into San Francisco?
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14) Given that a F35 fighter jet costs $160 million, doesn’t $43 million seem a little low for an indoraptor? 15) Given how dreadful it is, doesn’t $300 million seem like a lot to have spent on this movie?
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This sounds like buyer's remorse, which of course begs the question: why did you buy? I used to buy because I wanted to see the contemporary state of the art in spectacle, but I have since concluded that the only kind of spectacle on offer today is the mindless kind. No more.
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