They both ask me weekly when I will finish. They need me to help financially. My mother is sick, & my dad is getting to old to work in the fields like he used to. They need me to get this right. To be their American dream. This pressure is immense. It weighs on me daily.
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It’s the thing where they believe, like all of us wanted to believe living in the USA, that you work hard and go to school that you are deserving of a good life. That it will happen. Which we know isn’t true. That fantasy is a hard thing to break. My parents believe in it.
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& when I tell them the end of this road isn’t all that peachy, they tell me I have worked so hard & there’s no way I don’t deserve a good job. They say this out of love. To make me feel good. But it makes me feel worse. Like they aren’t listening to what I’m saying.
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This all to say doing this PhD has been emotional & psychological hell. White professors doing racist shit & not showing up to help/mentor. The pressure to save family from their colonial condition. The hours upon hours of saying you aren’t good enough, not worthy of this.
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This hell is even harder to explain to fam. That being in the ivory tower isn’t all roses. That I am mentally falling apart. But how dare I even complain when my father is right now tearing his body apart in a field, as he has been doing since he was 6 years old? How dare I?
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This really hit home. Thank you for sharing.
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Glad it resonated, Travis, sending solidarity your way



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My middle-class white family also believe in the meritocracy and that PhD=financial & social security. I feel the weight of that, and my struggle is not nearly so heavy as yours. I am sorry that you have to shoulder so much.
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That belief in this meritocracy is one that we so desperately need to get rid of. It will make this journey much more liveable, more sustainable. For all of us and our unique journey. Sending solidarity your way!


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Ugh, my heart. So relatable.
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Hopefully it resonates in a way that let’s us all know we are not alone through this, we are out there and surviving as best we can. Sending solidarity!


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