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Me: I made a tweet! My brain: did anybody press the Button Me: many people pressed the Button Brain: excellent. you may now have 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒢𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒞𝒽𝑒𝓂𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓁𝓈
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soul nate Retweeted
Friend: How was your Australia trip? Me: *disappointed I wasnt able to carry an adult kangaroo in a baby bjorn while they had a baby kangaroo in their pouch* It was fine I guess
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soul nate Retweeted
Me: *dies and enters heaven* Steve Irwin: *jumping on an angel and grappling it onto its back* See how his wings are just flapping? That’s a good sign of a healthy temper.
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soul nate Retweeted
Me: I made a tweet! My brain: did anybody press the Button Me: many people pressed the Button Brain: excellent. you may now have 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒢𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒞𝒽𝑒𝓂𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓁𝓈
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soul nate Retweeted
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu- millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in ghost: *appearing* prepare to die millennial: omg even better
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soul nate Retweeted
[handing out candy bars] Trick or Treater: aw man, why not king size Me, 5’2” and weeping: a King can be any size
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soul nate Retweeted
hello, i’m an adult in a christmas movie. i don’t believe in santa but have also never bought my children even one of the presents they receive every year. they just appear and i am fine with this reality. this is neither confusing nor horrifying
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soul nate Retweeted
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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s/o to my involuntarily unilingual kings & queens
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soul nate Retweeted
[ creating bats ] god: well we already made birds angel: god: angel: what if they were goth god: omg what IF they were goth tho
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soul nate Retweeted
Friend: Do you wanna come with me to Australia? Me: Ah sorry, I cant take off work Friend: I’m just nervous because they say everything there is trying to kill you Me: *suddenly holding a packed suitcase* We should get to the airport early
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me, the only one in spanish class who can’t roll his r’s:pic.twitter.com/T9dKaHN86s
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soul nate Retweeted
friend: smell this me: [sniffing] omg that smells amazing what is it friend: cocaine
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soul nate Retweeted
*Super Bowl Party* Mom: Nobody seems to like our dip Dad: "Our"? I didn't help make him Me: *doing my pre-game magic act*
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soul nate Retweeted
me: I need you to sew this mom: sew what me: wow ok nevermind
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soul nate Retweeted
him: so what’s your love language me: [chomping eucalyptus] koala-ty time
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soul nate Retweeted
[after watching exactly one super bowl ad] boy i sure am excited to purchase some products
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we live in an era of political and social disunity. as we root for our respective teams today, let’s reflect also on what we can all agree on: its good and just that mr. peanut is dead & if the planters corporation brings him back to life then they are history’s greatest cowards
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soul nate Retweeted
“I have a lot of twitter followers” - obnoxious - who cares - everyone knows you’re unemployed “I command a small army of depressed bisexuals” - intriguing - you could stage a military coup - people who won’t ask if you have a job
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