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  1. Pinned Tweet
    11 Sep 2019

    Me: I made a tweet! My brain: did anybody press the Button Me: many people pressed the Button Brain: excellent. you may now have 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒢𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒞𝒽𝑒𝓂𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓁𝓈

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  2. Retweeted

    Friend: How was your Australia trip? Me: *disappointed I wasnt able to carry an adult kangaroo in a baby bjorn while they had a baby kangaroo in their pouch* It was fine I guess

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  3. Retweeted

    Me: *dies and enters heaven* Steve Irwin: *jumping on an angel and grappling it onto its back* See how his wings are just flapping? That’s a good sign of a healthy temper.

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  4. i am enraged

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  5. Retweeted
    11 Sep 2019

    Me: I made a tweet! My brain: did anybody press the Button Me: many people pressed the Button Brain: excellent. you may now have 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒢𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒞𝒽𝑒𝓂𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓁𝓈

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  6. Retweeted
    Jan 2

    lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu- millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in ghost: *appearing* prepare to die millennial: omg even better

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  7. Retweeted
    27 Oct 2019

    [handing out candy bars] Trick or Treater: aw man, why not king size Me, 5’2” and weeping: a King can be any size

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  8. Retweeted
    14 Dec 2019

    hello, i’m an adult in a christmas movie. i don’t believe in santa but have also never bought my children even one of the presents they receive every year. they just appear and i am fine with this reality. this is neither confusing nor horrifying

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  9. Retweeted
    Jan 13

    women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

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  10. 9 hours ago

    s/o to my involuntarily unilingual kings & queens

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  11. Retweeted
    12 Dec 2019

    [ creating bats ] god: well we already made birds angel: god: angel: what if they were goth god: omg what IF they were goth tho

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  12. Retweeted

    Friend: Do you wanna come with me to Australia? Me: Ah sorry, I cant take off work Friend: I’m just nervous because they say everything there is trying to kill you Me: *suddenly holding a packed suitcase* We should get to the airport early

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  13. 11 hours ago

    me, the only one in spanish class who can’t roll his r’s:

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  14. Retweeted
    Feb 1

    friend: smell this me: [sniffing] omg that smells amazing what is it friend: cocaine

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  15. Retweeted
    16 hours ago

    *Super Bowl Party* Mom: Nobody seems to like our dip Dad: "Our"? I didn't help make him Me: *doing my pre-game magic act*

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  16. Retweeted

    me: I need you to sew this mom: sew what me: wow ok nevermind

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  17. Retweeted
    14 hours ago

    him: so what’s your love language me: [chomping eucalyptus] koala-ty time

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  18. Retweeted
    Feb 1
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  19. Retweeted

    [after watching exactly one super bowl ad] boy i sure am excited to purchase some products

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  20. 18 hours ago

    we live in an era of political and social disunity. as we root for our respective teams today, let’s reflect also on what we can all agree on: its good and just that mr. peanut is dead & if the planters corporation brings him back to life then they are history’s greatest cowards

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  21. Retweeted
    18 hours ago

    “I have a lot of twitter followers” - obnoxious - who cares - everyone knows you’re unemployed “I command a small army of depressed bisexuals” - intriguing - you could stage a military coup - people who won’t ask if you have a job

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