how many miles to the exit?
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Dorcrates
@MDthrice
dad, foster dad, step dad, granddad, husband, geologist, living blue in a red state
Dorcrates’s Tweets
Some women are called sirens I'm more of an annoying doorbell
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
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Yes, it's scary that there's a skeleton hiding inside of you 24/7, but never forget that he's more scared of the blood and meat golem keeping him prisoner under your skin than you are of him.
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In England Bigfoot is called Bigmeter
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Imagine Optimus Prime transforming into a robot and going through an entire epic battle sequence only to then look down and see his blinker has been on the whole time lmao what an idiot
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My marriage is miles beyond repair but the prospect of explaining my almost comically botched circumcision to another woman remains even more depressing.
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I will tell you off for driving under the speed limit until I see you have a dog in the car and I'm like oh ok yeah please forgive me
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Woke up, wanted pancakes, no syrup, don’t want to get dressed, going back to bed hoping I’ll wake up with a different craving.
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When I realize we’re closer to the year 2050 than the year 1990.
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Mom: Mari you need to get up, we're running late.
Me:
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If there’s one thing we’ve learned from Elon and Trump it’s that women are too emotional to be in positions of power.
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Him... You are a complicated woman.
Me... You are a simpleton.
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I bet cavemoms were like “be home by the time the tree’s shadow is on that rock” and the kid was all “got it, tree o’rock”
haha send tweet
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Me: Rearrange my guts daddy
Surgeon: How is she still awake?!?
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Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
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Communion is really just a Jesus Lunchable
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Inside of you are two wolves. They’re having wolf sex. Loudly. Gross.
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Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3
Genie: Sue me
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I'm really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn't agree!
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Welcome to my home. This is the rug I trip on.
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*deep inhale*
Just because someone has a lot of money does not mean they should have a lot of power. In fact, it would be in the best interest of everyone if they had minimal power, and that is because they are too well off to still be living in reality.
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An absolute nightmare headline
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read image description
ALT
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People who sell pictures of their feet, sell their sole.
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What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?
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We grew up so poor we could only listen to one Village Person.
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God's like, "I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other gods beside me," and I'm like, "Okay, Mr. Insecure."
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You had me at “I like a girl with personality” because I’ve got a few.
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Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
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Mike pence being all “oh do we hate him now? Well then I guess I’m mad he tried to have me murdered too!!” is some of the most pathetic bullshit I have ever seen, and I been watching shitty, weak republicans be stupid my whole life
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