The bad news: Failed Hot Girl Summer for 61 years in a row. The good news: Settling nicely into Old Cunt Fall.
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Lisa Lampanelli
@LisaLampanelli
Retired stand-up legend, overall bad-ass!
Lisa Lampanelli’s Tweets
I can’t thank everyone at the enough for 1 of the best days ever! Howard has the biggest heart in the world!
Quote Tweet
The Queen of Mean @LisaLampanelli announced her retirement from stand-up comedy before participating in her final roast on the #SternShow
Watch more in the #Howard section of the @SIRIUSXM app: siriusxm.us/2Qn55BL
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To all you fence-sitters out there! People are allowed to grow, evolve & change. I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long! #BlacklivesMatter
Still reeling with happiness and thanks over my appearance on The Howard Stern Show 48 hours ago! How I ever got this lucky, I’ll never know. Thank you, Howard Stern, for being the King of Kindness!
JWoww announces she is pregnant. Great news! I hope people will finally take her & Snooki more seriously now. #thingsnobodyeversaid
I love that @TheEllenShow just said Idina's name twice so that she got some credit! Fuckin' Travolta can't read a cue card?!? WTF?
I'm so happy for Matthew McConaughey! He lost 38 lbs to win an Academy Award. I lost 107 so I wouldn’t be a fat cunt! #Oscars2014
Hands-down most entertaining Oscars host in YEARS! Bravo -- and hope to see you do it again next year, #NailedIt
Within 10 minutes, one fan on the street said “you look greatl and the other one said “why’d you lose weight? I think that gives me license to eat!
Britney Spears to earn $15mil a year for Vegas residency. If they wanna waste money on a former fat chick who can’t sing they could hire ME!
I can understand why that NYPD officer slapped Amanda Bynes' vagina. The ones she’s been getting on the wrist don’t seem to be working!
Miley Cyrus wanted to make “history” at the VMAs. If by “history” she means “a real cunt out of herself,” she’s right!
Congrats to Kim Kardashian & Kanye West on the birth of their baby girl. Much like Mom, the baby is already famous for absolutely no reason!
Miley Cyrus admits she wanted 2 make history at VMAs. She didn’t invent friggin electricity -she jerked off with a foam finger! #NotHistoric
I love that Liza Minnelli had to horn in on Lupita's win. It ain't about you, Liza!
I hate people who say, "Find something that feels as good as food tastes." Other than heroin & Netflix, it don't exist. Got any ideas, pals?
My boyfriend Leonardo DeCaprio just gave Matthew M. the ol' "You need it more than I need it" hug.
ALWAYS behind some dick who never used an ATM when I’m late! Dude was poking at the buttons like he was finger-banging his date at the prom!
The Supreme Court got it right!!! Congratulations to all of America & to everyone who loves in the gay community!!! So proud of my country!
Poor Matthew McConnaughey - WTF? He has to deal with this crazy fuck!!!!
Thank god for Whoopi & Pink! Lending at least a semi-cool vibe to this segment. I love that Whoopi is herself NO MATTER WHAT!
Miley Cyrus says she was Lil’ Kim in a past life. Sexually aggressive? Foul language? If anyone was Lil’ Kim in a past life it’s ME!
Penn State won't take down Joe Paterno statue. They should at least move it to the library -- to remind people to KEEP QUIET at all times!
Amanda Bynes tweets that she wants Drake to murder her vagina. If she wants to get fucked by Drake, she should just buy one of his albums!
Dealer claims Lamar Odom spent $50k on coke in 3 years. That white stuff will ruin your life. And by "white stuff," I mean The Kardashians.
OH MY GOD! DID HE JUST SAY HE'S HIS OWN HERO?!? Someone explain this to me.
Titus, you made my wait in baggage claim sooo much better. Love ya, pal!!
Khloe Kardashian tweets she wishes she was made of steel. Good thing she's not made of glass -- Lamar would use her as a crack pipe!
So honored that asked me to write an Op-Ed piece on my hero . I hope you enjoy it: whosay.com/l/Apac8XD
Leonardo is the greatest! Like my first tweet of the night said he is the true gentleman of the business!
New app claims it cures gayness in 60 days. If there’s one that cures being a shithead, please send it to the gay app creator! #idiots
Obviously joking about wanting to be on "The View." I'd rather punch myself in the cunt repeatedly than be on that show. Kill me first!
Obama calls Romney a “bullshitter” in new Rolling Stone interview. I'll give $5 million to charity if he calls Ann Coulter a “cunt" too!
If you don't look like this after a run, u'r not doin it right! #UglyIsBeautiful
Happy Easter & 4/20! Stoners worldwide forgetting where they hid their eggs, will find again around Labor Day!
I can't believe Christ Brown told a comedy writer he’d shit in her eye. Isn’t shitting on a cd & selling it as “music” bad enough???
Farewell to 2018!! In 2019, I’m gonna continue to say “don’t stop me now!” Thanks, Queen! (Btw my family completely ignoring me is my favorite part of this truly awful dance!)
What a great workout I had today! I was sweatin’ like James Franco at a high school prom! #accidentalpedophile
Courtney Love was "celibate" for 2 years? Can u really say you were “celibate” if there was just 2 years where nobody wanted to fuck you?
Casey Anthony wears Caylee’s ashes around her neck. I can think of something even more appropriate to wear around her neck #noose
Warmth of heart, lovability & a twinkle in the eye - knew how to do it BEST. Condolences to his family & continuing love always
Can't believe Duck Dynasty dad told GQ that the vagina is more desireable than a man’s anus. What? Someone from Duck Dynasty was in GQ?!
Utah man on hunger strike to halt gay marriage. Is surviving on water, vitamins & the occasional care-package from Chick-fil-A!
Some cunt keeps yelling stupid shit during my opening act. She better not try it with me 'cause I am in the mood for shit to go down!
Oh, well! Sad that Jackass didn't win for Makeup, but glad Honey Boo Boo's mom did.
Oh, Christ! The song played at every funeral everywhere. Let it go.
I can't believe a woman lives with both a husband AND a boyfriend! That chick's got more dicks going into her than the Scientology Center!
Anne Hathaway practiced Oscar speech to be more likeable. If you hafta practice being likeable, you’re probably a cunt! #TakesOneToKnowOne
Man has dead wife’s vagina carved on tombstone. If I want a cunt on my grave, I’ll have Ann Coulter come pay respects!
Street in Arizona named Broomrape Lane. It’s easy to find. Just take a left on Fistfuck Blvd & it’s the block right after Tornrectum Ave.
Snowed in Canada this morning. Last time I woke up to 3 inches I was dating my Jew agent!! #InsultComicSoSuckIt
A marijuana arrest happens every 42 seconds in U.S! Thank God every 43 seconds, a
Mexican sneaks across the border w fresh bud to replenish!
Man, that Lance Armstrong is an unlikeable douche. Maybe if he made up a story about his girlfriend dying, I’d be more sympathetic!
Happy 4th from me & the most patriotic dog ever! Btw Parker wants to know who he should vote for. Help!
Screw Black Friday! Stay home instead! It's better to pay full price than get brained with a Keurig by some psycho bum-rushing the register!
I hate this noisy freak next to me at the free weights! I fucked a guy in an iron lung who wheezed less than this dick!
Holy crap!! I have truly made it!! Thanks! RT One across on Southwest Air in flight mag pic.twitter.com/nOl5jBa5pr
Not surprised Seattle won the Super Bowl. Denver worked out at the NY Jets facility all week. That kind of stink can rub off on ANYONE!
"And for that, my friend, we are very, very much in your debt." Who the fuck talks that way, pretentious Hollywood twat?
Honey Boo Boo’s Mama June lost over 100 pounds. All she needs is 6 less chins & some cunt jokes & she could be ME!
You know you're a gangster when u drive itself to @HamiltonBroadway party (or just really cheap)
Seat mate on plane has already knocked 2 bottles of water onto me + taken off his shoes & crossed his leg so I can get a whiff #serenitynow
I thought @TheEllenShow killed it, but kinda miss the uncomfortableness that brought to the table.
Katy Perry told GQ she used to pray for big boobs. Big boobs, big hits, big career…I wanna go to the same church SHE went to!
This is the absolute LAST thing i felt like doing today, but the only thing that made me feel good! #somefunnow #littleshopofhorrors
Great news! The hilarious will perform at gala on 11/20! #SheDaBomb Get tix NOW: whosay.com/l/Wxtb9TJ
Snooki says she’s excited to be a MILF. She already is a MILF – a Midget I’d Like to Forget!
Bieber photographed smoking pot in hotel room. I knew those Flintstone chewables he takes every morning would be a gateway drug!
So many coffee-sipping people at the cafe with their laptops. Newsflash:When Starbucks is your office you’re not a writer, you’re a douche!
I like Cyber-Monday. It's like Black Friday without getting cut in line, then following the whore home & keying her car!
Paris Hilton caught on tape saying most gay men probably have AIDS. Wow! That’s like saying most heiresses have herpes! Oh, wait . . .
Elisabeth Hasselbeck NOT fired from ‘The View’. Too bad! I woulda loved her on a Fox News show w/Palin & Coulter called ‘2 Girls, 1 Cunt’!
Best line of the night: "Good luck following that, Amy Adams and Bill Murray!" @TheEllenShow is nailing it!
Lindsay Lohan causes $50k in damage to NYC hotel room. What happened to the good ole days when we were shocked that she was eating pussy?
Thought of a more apt comparison: Gall bladder was removed today. No problem! Much like the Westboro Baptist Church it serves no purpose!
New Mexico bill wld criminalize abortions after rape as tampering w/evidence. I support bill that criminalizes the dick that thought this up
Holy crap! Dream come true! Just performed for and at gala!! Blessed!!
Tommy Chong says Bieber is talented BECAUSE he smokes weed. Quick -- someone pack Mark Sanchez a bong & roll a fattie for the Kardashians!
Ann Coulter calls Obama a retard on Twitter. She just says offensive shit to get a reaction out of people. Who does she think she is? ME???
Thief steals brains from museum, sells them on eBay. Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy u brains. Are you listening, Paris Hilton?
Italian scientist argues that vaccines produce homosexuality. Finally someone more embarrassing to Italians than the cast of Jersey Shore!
Randy Jackson leaving ‘Idol’ at end of season. Now they need another bloated fella who says “Dog” all the time. Hey how about Beth Chapman?
Poor Bradley Cooper has to act like anyone cares about documentaries.
Over 300 penises are broken during intercourse every year. Which is why I always tuck mine between my legs!
4 days til my 55th! The countdown to the boxed-cake bonanza begins!
Oregon couple tries to tip waitress with crystal meth. Are they kidding? It's all hippies up there. Next time tip with WEED! #whitetrash
Since people can't tweet I'm fat, they tweet I'm old. Keep it up, folks, & me & the rest of the Red Hat Society will track u down & beat u!