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  1. 5. sij

    I’m not a big football person, but the day Greta Gerwig leaves Noah Baumbach for a ruddy, younger grip will be my Super Bowl.

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  2. 12. pro 2019.
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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    8. pro 2019.

    amy sedaris literally just kicking her shoes off is funnier than anything any man has ever said or done

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  4. 29. stu 2019.

    Tired: sleeping. Wired: waking up in a panic cause you hear your baby whispering “mama” then realizing it’s just a weird noise your husband’s nostril is making while he sleep breathes, flooding your body with adrenaline AND oxytocin at the same time so you’re awake all night.

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  5. 24. stu 2019.

    So proud to know and love this artist. Let her creativity and genius into your life...trust me. Xoxo

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  6. 13. stu 2019.

    FOUND ONE THAT I DONT REALLY REMEMBER THIS ONES FOR ALL THE HATERS Y’ALL CANNOT KEEP ME DOWN.

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  7. 13. stu 2019.

    You can’t stop me from scrolling through every ep of Murder She Wrote on Amazon Prime every night thinking I might find one I haven’t seen yet that’s called HOPE CHECK INTO IT.

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  8. 10. stu 2019.

    Stages of life: -no bra -desperate to get a bra -sexy bra -have to wear a bra -best part of the day? taking off your bra -fuck a bra -dead

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  9. 27. lis 2019.

    No one over 35 should have a party.

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  10. 23. lis 2019.
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  11. 15. lis 2019.

    I liked it better when Jeremy Renner was gay.

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  12. 28. ruj 2019.

    Me trying on everything in my Stitch Fix box at once.

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  13. 17. ruj 2019.

    As a normie I get that my tweets fly under the radar but you guys have to admit if I were like a famous model I would be the funniest person on Twitter.

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  14. 6. ruj 2019.

    The most growing up in LA thing about me is that Spencer Pratt’s dad is my dad’s dentist, and my dad always asks him “so how are your kids?” real casual.

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  15. 20. kol 2019.

    Me: I do not understand the allure of OUTRAGEOUS amounts of money, billionaires must be literally mentally ill. Me (but now I’m playing online Jeopardy): WHO’S CHILD MUST I PUT IN A CAGE FOR SOME GOLD FUCKING BARS?

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  16. 21. srp 2019.

    My son just said that he loved me more than all the atoms and microbes in this universe AND all the universes we haven’t discovered yet. Didn’t have the heart to tell him I’m a cool, and we don’t hang with nerds.

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  17. 19. srp 2019.

    Environmental destruction won’t stop until powerful, unimpeachable, negligent and completely legally protected corporations and governments decide they can still profit without degrading people/Earth. But sure, by all means give me that SHIT ASS PAPER STRAW THAT DOESN’T WORK.

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  18. 29. lip 2019.

    Just remembered my son sang this one song at his preschool so much the teacher finally asked me what’s this “Make Me” song? And it was “Rape Me” by Nirvana. So I said I didn’t know.

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  19. 24. lip 2019.

    Before you say what you will about “cancel culture”, ask yourself when was the last time you had to hear TJ Miller’s voice?

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  20. 17. lip 2019.

    Omg we’re gonna lose again, aren’t we.

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