I wrote a blog post (different one) about why someone might choose to call someone out instead of speaking to them privately (aka 'calling them in,' though that's a drastic oversimplification of what that term means).https://thebias.com/2016/02/09/why-didnt-they-talk-to-you-privately-on-call-out-culture-and-power-differentials/ …
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That post focuses on challenging the presumption that people are *entitled* to a private conversation. But there's a strategic consideration here as well: folks argue that 'call-ins' are just as (or more) effective, and also kinder, so we should always call in. They're wrong.
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Call-ins and call-outs are different tools for entirely different contexts. The short version: the goal of a private conversation is to get someone to change their behavior. The goal of a public correction is to establish and/or enforce community norms.
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That may seem like splitting hairs. After all, isn't the point of changing someone's behavior to change how they behave in a community? Sure. But bad behavior that happens in public often needs to be corrected in public to reinforce community norms.
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Let's say someone uses a slur in your writing workshop. You don't want to embarrass them, so during the next break you take them aside and ever so gently tell them why their language wasn't okay. They apologize profusely and vow not to do it again. Best outcome possible, right?
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Not to the other workshop participants who heard that slur, it's not. Because all they saw was that someone used a slur and that you, the workshop leader, didn't say anything. They don't know that you took the person aside, or that the person is sorry and won't do it again.
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So now you've got a workshop full of people who think using slurs is okay with you. And that can cause you two problems: the first is you might have other people in the room who hear that and think "oh cool, slurs are okay here and I can use them too."
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But the bigger and more pressing problem is that if anyone in the room was hurt by that slur, they also think slurs are okay with you. You had an opportunity to have their back and they watched you not take it.
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They don't know that you spoke to the person in private. They don't know that the person apologized and promised to change their behavior. They don't know you responded at all. Do you think they'll feel safe and welcome in your workshop after that?
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In order to reinforce community norms, you need to address that slur use publicly--to the same audience that heard it. Your workshop needs to know that what they witnessed was not acceptable behavior in your space.
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That might embarrass the person that you're correcting. That's okay! You don't need to save them from embarrassment; you need to protect your community from harm. They can manage their own embarrassment, which is a pretty mild consequence, all things considered.
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Folks who insist that private conversations as the only acceptable response get very hung up on embarrassment, and generally view letting someone be embarrassed as tantamount to shaming them. But it's not. It's enforcing a boundary.
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If they're embarrassed, that's their business--and I don't say that dismissively. Treating their potential embarrassment as your problem to solve is infantilizing. Correcting them and moving on makes it clear that you trust and expect them to handle their own feelings.
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That's just one example of a case where a public correction is necessary to address harm that a private conversation is unlikely to fix gracefully. I cover other reasons folks might choose a public call-out in the post:https://thebias.com/2016/02/09/why-didnt-they-talk-to-you-privately-on-call-out-culture-and-power-differentials/ …
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So when ARE private conversations the right tool for the job? Private conversations work best when you are in a position of relative power. This power can be hard or soft--you are their boss, or you are a person whose good opinion they value and wish to maintain.
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If, however, you do not have any kind of power in your relationship with the person who behaved badly, then there's no reason to believe that speaking to them privately will even work. It's taking an emotional risk you have no reason to believe will pay off.
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Let's look at that workshop situation above. Position of relative power? Check. Will a private conversation accomplish what you need it to? Not as well as a public correction in the moment, so it's the wrong call.
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But let's say they didn't blurt a slur out loud in the workshop. Let's say that instead the material they submitted contains something super dehumanizing, like idk maybe the killer in their mystery is a harmful transmisogynistic stereotype.
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They sent the story to you to distribute to the group, so no one else has seen it. Do you need to broadcast to the entire group that you got a submission with harmful content? No, you do not. By all means, deal with it privately.
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But again, we're looking at impact on the community: in the first case, other people heard the slur and need to see that correction. In the second case, telling people about it is likely to create public discussion that could harm people who would otherwise be unaffected.
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And 'deal with it privately' also doesn't mean 'make sure the person isn't embarrassed.' There's no way to tell someone "your entire story is offensive" and have them feel good about it.
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Your concern is making sure the community isn't harmed. Depending on how the person responds to being told that they can't workshop that story, you may end up needing to kick them out.
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Folks who advocate for always calling in will extol the virtues of changing hearts and minds. But that only works when the person you're calling in cares about you and your opinion.
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That workshop participant may not care what you think of them at all--but they care about the consequences you can enforce. So they may very well submit a different story to stay in the workshop while still firmly believing their first story was fine.
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In that kind of hard-power situation, a private conversation may be the right move--but it is a way of changing their behavior, not worldview. That person may choose to behave because they want what you can offer them.
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And that's fine! If you're leading a workshop, it's not your job to change people's worldviews. You need them to behave in your space, and there your responsibility ends. But what if it's a beloved family member, whose bigotry is endangering your relationship with them?
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THAT is the case where an actual call-in (and probably not a single private conversation but a whole bunch of them) has a chance of changing someone's heart. Its effectiveness relies on that person being committed to preserving their relationship with you.
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And of course, someone can realize that they're not behaving well even if their dearest friend isn't the one to tell them. They can, in fact, realize it when they are publicly called out by a stranger! Call-ins are not the only way to change someone's heart.
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But if they shut down when publicly corrected, a private conversation with someone they don't trust deeply isn't likely to do any better. They need to handle their feelings before they can listen, and that's their business.
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In that sense, calling someone in might not be a kindness, but a presumption. If someone doesn't want your feedback, you can't impose it on them--you can only set and enforce your own boundaries, and boundaries for your communities.
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