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  1. Pinned Tweet
    22 May 2018

    [first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

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  2. 3 hours ago

    If anything they seem MORE Miserables!

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  3. 7 hours ago

    We are the daughters of the hoes you could not scare

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  4. 8 hours ago

    Four completely disparate languages in one name, just a thing of beauty

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  5. 8 hours ago

    J Kenji Lopez-Alt is the most American name of all time, I love it so much

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  6. 11 hours ago

    This one takes a second

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  7. 11 hours ago

    pronouncing Operator like it's a fancy singing evil robot

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  8. May 19
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  9. May 19

    My favorite Italian American trait is just to drop the last syllable of words. "Where ya goin, ma is gonna make a lasagn'" Save that time king

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  10. May 19

    Oomford -> Oomfie

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  11. May 19

    A dog named Beston but he goes by Bestie :')

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  12. May 19

    The sound of a click followed by the bypass machine powering down

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  13. May 18

    The whole "Working class people don't care about LGBT issues" is v funny because it implies there's a level of wealth at which it is finally possible to unlock the quality of being Gay As Hell, but this privilege is cut off from the lowly poors, who must toil in heterosexuality

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  14. May 18

    New York City more like Poo Dork Shitty

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  15. May 17

    Booty booty booty booty rockin everywhere, and not a drop to drink

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  16. May 17

    On a call with a new coworker and he looks down and goes "hello, can I help you? Ok well goodbye" and we were like "Oh is that your kid? Or a cat?" and he said "no that's our roomba"

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  17. May 17
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  18. May 16

    Thank you so much for asking, Smash Mouth; yes, my world is also on fire

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  19. Retweeted

    treating radicalization like a mystical mind virus that can be uploaded to people by reading the wrong thing instead of a complicated series of failures by society at every single turn has led us to this point and i don't see people changing their tune any time soon

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  20. May 15

    Newborns are cool cuz they'll start crying and u can be like "oh u mad? Gonna shit your pants about it?" And then they do

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  21. May 15

    The invention of fermented alcohol (10,000 BCE)

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