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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
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Mormons sound like YouTubers desperate to not get demonetized Holy shhhhhhoooot y'all, I did not expect this clusterf-.... This cluster of a situation to get so frickin intense. I mean GO-lly gee whiz. What a freakin gosh darn piece of.. work
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If my daughter became the next Shakira, I would be immeasurably proudhttps://twitter.com/GThumperg/status/1224169189801226241?s=19 …
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Being sex trafficked and dancing are the same thing, to mehttps://twitter.com/charliekirk11/status/1224168777668911105 …
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This tweet is dedicated to
@jon_bois I love you and I hope you celebrate heartilyShow this threadThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo -
I love Andy Reid. I love Mahomes. I'm so happy
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Please disregard all my tweets I haven't been hacked or anything they just suck
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When my team gets 5 yards: 5 yards is good. It is progress. A feat. When the other team gets 5 yards: 5 yards is nothing. A baby could get 5 yards. Stop cheering.
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Call me old fashioned but I was raised to take care of my wife Give her organs, etchttps://twitter.com/unrealizzztic/status/1224150772767756288 …
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[Shakira voice] Tsamina mina eh eh [Fozzie Bear voice] Waka waka eh eh
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Unrelated: that Mi Gente remix fuckin slapped
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Surely she's not STILL Jenny from the block
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"how could they think babynut is a good idea," I tweet, helping it trend My feed is filled with babynut Jokes about babynut Complaining about babynut Say what you will about them, planters is playing the game well
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My dog, snoozing next to me in bed He wakes up, almost startled He looks me in the eyes I touch his head He farts a cloud that would kill an entire greenhouse And immediate falls back asleep
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I have to say, a minute in, I'm incredibly disappointed
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Kyle Retweeted
I made some offhanded comment about hating how I looked in front of my nephew, and he looked at me and said "just because you would change parts of something doesn't mean you can't love it" And I was like wow, making up this story about a fake kid really changed my perspective
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Thank you for your support cum goblin :)https://twitter.com/ProstateWizard/status/1223856342324207616 …
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My conspiracy theory is that Miranda Cosgrove never wanted a music career, but then School of Rock blew up and implied that she couldn't sing, so she launched a whole musical project to convince the public otherwise
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