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  1. Закрепленный твит
    23 мая

    [first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

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  2. ретвитнул(а)
    12 часов назад

    i’ve either made a great discovery or a terrible mistake

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  3. 9 часов назад

    Fuck "Pluto is a planet" troglodytes. That's like marine biologists going "a tuna is a dolphin" and then years later they were like "we fucked up, it's not a dolphin", and everyone was like FUCK YOU, A TUNA IS A DOLPHIN, SWEET SWIMMY BOYES, IT'S OK TUNA I'M NOT A DOLPHIN EITHER

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  4. ретвитнул(а)
    10 часов назад

    A patronus is cool because it's kind of like having a spirit animal, just without being a racist twat

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  5. 12 часов назад

    My guilty pleasure day is a breakfast of oats and berries, a small salad for lunch, and plain chicken breast and broccoli for dinner ❤️

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  6. 14 часов назад

    The irony that I tweeted this with a typo the first time

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  7. 14 часов назад

    You call it "deleting bad tweets", I call it "exclusive content for the followers who have my alerts turned on"

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  8. 17 часов назад

    Seriously, do y'all LOVE saying the r word and the n word that much? Honestly? None of you by now are ignorant to their impact. And yet you keep saying it. I can only imagine that you're getting a literal orgasm every time you say it, which is problematic in and of itself

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  9. 17 часов назад

    Many of you know I love words. My absolute favorite word in the world to say is "hullabaloo". It is so fun to hear it bounce and flit around as it leaves my face. But if someone told me that word was actually offensive to a marginalized group, I WOULD STOP SAYING IT

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  10. ретвитнул(а)
    21 час назад

    WIFE: I want a divorce. ME: Is it because of my small wrists? WIFE: Yes. ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

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  11. ретвитнул(а)
    11 апр.

    [getting urine test results] You've tested positive for opiates- ME: probably the bagel I had -and THC, cocaine, steroids, and also you're pregnant ME: it was an everything bagel

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  12. ретвитнул(а)
    22 сент.

    "Vlad's Message to the Haters"

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  13. 14 окт.

    Me: hey, break a leg today! Horse: I hope you die too asshole

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  14. 14 окт.

    While I was very uncomfortable, I never felt fear, I didn't feel like she had any sort of power over me at all. I'm still unpacking how I feel about it and what it means for me to share an experience like this right now. sorry for processing on the TL but it's just... Weird

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  15. 14 окт.

    Cw: unwanted sexually explicit images So she also included videos of herself masturbating and said "there's more where that came from" if I did what she asked. This is new for me, but I hear stories like this constantly from the women in my life.

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  16. 14 окт.

    A woman slid into my DMs, and when I didn't return her affections, she called me ugly and told me to fuck off. I've made it y'all.

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  17. 14 окт.

    This is my audition to play the shitty hormone monster from Big Mouth if ever loses his vocal cords in a tragic make out accident

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  18. 14 окт.

    LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL ART. IT IS SUCH A GOOD ART

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  19. ретвитнул(а)
    9 февр.

    hooked up with this girl who claimed she was from harvard n i didn’t believe her at first, but while she was reverse cowgirl she said “waheey” i was like “tf u jus say” n she said “it’s yeehaw backwards” n now i know for a damn fact she graduatin top of her class

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  20. 14 окт.

    The account who originally tweeted it got suspended, but the absolute best Black Mirror tweet of all time was "next on black mirror: what if phones, but too much?"

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  21. 14 окт.

    You know when you use a phrase ironically, and then it just becomes a part of your lexicon? I feel like that's been happening to me with feet pics. Like it makes great fodder for Twitter humor, but now I'm like.... Is that what I want???? Surely not. And yet

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