Leaked video from inside the Oval Office.
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Laura Kightlinger
@KingKightlinger
Laura Kightlinger’s Tweets
I don’t think you can really know what an incredible experience it is to not have kids unless you don’t have kids.
The difference between LA and NY is in LA it takes longer to realize the person you're listening to is insane.
Fresh off a near-fatal brain aneurism, Laura will be capitalizing on her misfortune with slightly worn and new with-tags material in prep for an hour special like every other jackass. Use promo code LAURA:
I took a gummy last night, was flipping through channels and the second I hit an old Perry Mason episode he said: “…since when is a dry hole good news?!” I felt glad to be alive.
It's one thing to be disappointed when you hear a president speak, it's another to hear him and think, "God, what a dick."
This was clearly a very emotional dick joke for me. I’m so glad that part of my life is over.
Yes it’s sad when comics die but it’s much worse when musicians die because nobody ever lost their virginity to the sound of a comedy album.
Why can’t potato chips help your memory? Would that be so much to fuckin’ ask?
In the middle of a tiff just now I realized I can’t give my husband the silent treatment because that’s what he wants.
I ordered a dna test for my dog. Now I regret it because I don’t want to find out that his ancestors owned slaves.
There are no words…except the ones that always follow this worn out phrase.
How many people are cleaning up cat vomit to Swingin’ Party by The Replacements right now?
When I watched “A Streetcar Named Desire” in my early twenties I remember thinking, Blanche DuBois is a heartbreakingly crazy old nut. Now I watch and think, why is everyone so cruel and unfair to me?
When an event is promoted as being “under the stars” it just means outside. And, by the way, everything is under the stars.
I’ve done it. I’ve pushed my husband to the brink. Now it’s up to him.
In a bar and Madonna’s cover of American Pie came on and I want to punch us both in the throat.
I don't get it. Does Sarah Palin's endorsement mean something? I guess it's time to announce I have the endorsement of a bike horn.
Not that anyone asked but I think the most important step in writing a script is to step away from it, have a drink, and go back to bed.
I had a sex dream about my boyfriend which means my subconscious isn't leaving the house either.
Does it bother anyone that one of the most popular women’s road trip movies ends in a double suicide?
I’m guessing; I didn’t see the end of Girl’sTrip.
I overheard my husband enjoying a conversation with his parents. How much more of this can I stand?
Jesus Christ. What if I’m not famous enough to have my death revisited on “AUTOPSY: Funny Ladies”.
I’m ready to try anything that doesn’t involve leaving the house.
I’m listening to Hong Kong Garden by Siouxsie and the Banshees. I know - I’m always cool. I can’t help it.
Now it’s just a matter of who can talk out of their ass the loudest.
Maybe letting ice cubes drop onto the floor isn't the same as mopping it but it makes me feel like it could happen.
I don’t know if finishing the chocolate chip cookies counts as getting stuff done but - it’s done.
Here’s a pickup line that I couldn’t make work:
“What are we doing here when we could be at my place snuggling the dog?”
Replying to
I’m with you, Laurie! I’d appreciate it if you’d host a talk show and allow me to be your sidekick.
Having a smoothie is just another way of saying now I'm even too lazy to chew.
Waiting on my ride and stood in the same spot for so long David Geffen bought me. Now I’m The David Geffen Kightlinger.
I don’t tell my husband this but I have a lot of good thoughts about him behind his back.
Lady Gaga proves you can be weird without the hassle of being interesting.
I have a headache that starts at my forehead and goes all the way back to my childhood.
There is a fine line between collector and hoarder. And I'm done trying to explain it to my mother.
If a kid in the 1800's even dreamt of having a peanut allergy, he'd be laughed out of the tuberculosis ward.
People say, "I've got to finish watching the rest of (a series)tonight," the way they used to finish a book. No wonder we're all tards.
You're not truly procrastinating until you're leaving feedback on Amazon purchases.
While cleaning up the basement I found old photos of relatives and in every pic. they look like they’re ready for a fight.
Barry Crimmins was a mentor and a friend. He impressed upon me the importance of stepping on stage with material and a point of view. (I was afraid not to). He frequently tweeted @ the Pope to be excommunicated after no response I guess he decided to take it to the higher ups.
My brain stent has got me acting like a fat white guy in a conference room. I keep saying things like: No deal! Let’s get prime rib at the strip club.
Whenever Trump speaks I find myself tensing up like one of my white trash relatives is about to say something racist or homophobic.
I don't know how you're feeling about our current leader, but in my head I've moved on to the next old, white asshole.
Is there any point in reading anything after the word, "unfortunately"?
I’ve lost a lot of friends to sobriety. And I didn’t have that many to begin with.
It's a success story as old as time itself. "We started out as rich kids with indulgent, rich parents and with no effort became rich adults.
Women who say that women who say that they were raped just to get attention are saying that just to get attention. #anncoulter
Watching one of my all time favorite movies, Miller’s Crossing, and reveling in Jon Polito’s performance, his perfect delivery, and go to look up what he’s been up to only to find out he died four years ago today.
I just realized I didn't get one international women's day gift. How long will I be ignored?
As you go through the airport of life on the Rascal of giving up, may you pause briefly to think your own thoughts.
I’m in Beijing. A man on a bike swiped my leg and in the ensuing moments, when I didn’t die, I thought about all the lives I’ve touched.
Two types of people - the person who bullshits their way into a job and the person dumb enough to hire that person. I’ve been both.
The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is the funniest show on tv and cable and Netflix. The theme song has been in my head for days.
Where and when do I join the protest to stop Cosby's second career that serial rape has afforded him?
My relatives won’t admit that they’re depressed. They think they’re fine and everyone else is just getting their hopes up.
I hate plugging shows but I can't think of any other way to get 6 people to attend.
If you were having a neighborhood barbecue, didn't know who Trump was, you'd think, ugh, what does that rich, tan, asshole want?
Last night I dreamt I brought new waiting room chairs to my dentist’s office to replace their old filthy ones.
When comics greet each other using last names it’s the closest we’ve come- in our lives - to being on a team.
So, Cosby is going to give "talks" on how to get away with serial rape? Will there be a predator symposium offered by The Learning Annex?
Is everyone having Girl Scout thin mints and coffee for breakfast or am I the only one who puts nutrition first?
A cute guy in the neighborhood always walks by apologizing for carrying a bag of dog shit. I just realized I've yet to see him with a dog.
What do you get for the woman who has 82% of everything a man has? Equal Pay.
"Anyone can write a best seller, I'd like to write a good book." j.d. Salinger
Look what I picked up on the road. He donned construction gear to rescue a stray dog. At the risk of sounding positive, I think I got lucky when I found this s.o.b.
Cosby intro.: This next guy is a true triple threat, actor, comic, serial rapist, please put his hands together in handcuffs, Bill Cosby.
If you read one book this year...you've read more than half of the people in the USA.
This reminds me of the play: "Your Dick is Too Short to Fuck with God".
Listening to Leonard Cohen while taking the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector. TGIF
It’s a trying time for celebrity narcissists. “What can I do to get the attention back on me?!”
I'd like to thank the makers of Tupperware for helping me transport yet another lizard away from the cats and outside to freedom.
My bf said he was glad I'm around. To which I replied: "I'll make you wish I was never born."
What a pompous jackass. He thinks he’s doing the world some great service when he could just as easily be selling non-stick pans. Self help gurus, evangelists and cult leaders are the same -they make hundreds of millions exploiting people searching for meaning in their lives.
In a restaurant alone -a loud couple talking about editing a script and a couple next to me talking about core excercises. Fuck LA
Replying to
I saw this and thought, when did I do that cheesy comedy?
Keep your dreams small and they can come true every day. Nothing dead in the front yard- another dream realized.
Damnit! There's nothing left to do but get my shit together! I thought this day would never come.
I can’t be sure but I THINK my cat just said, stop feeling sorry for yourself, if Tom Jones can get his ass out there, so can you!
When award show winners hold up their award and proclaim: “this is a win for everyone who…” actually, it really isn’t.
The evening martini philosophy - be nice because everyone is struggling and CHERISH your friends
Why does Caesar Milan have two shows on Disney+? He punched a dog in the face!! That’s like putting Bill Cosby on The Bachelor.
Mike Nesmith too? Goddamnit, every musician I had a crush on when I was a kid is dead.