Kie

@KielyHealey

I snort when I laugh. Sometimes I do that on stage.

Vrijeme pridruživanja: prosinac 2018.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    15. lip 2019.

    For someone as terrified of a robot uprising as I am, I sure have a lot of vibrators.

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  2. prije 2 sata

    Him: if French kissing is making out, and kissing down under is eating out, what is American kissing? Me: spreading preventable diseases because of forgoing a vaccine, and then being charged a fortune for treatment

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 19 sati

    Me: *dies and enters heaven* Steve Irwin: *jumping on an angel and grappling it onto its back* See how his wings are just flapping? That’s a good sign of a healthy temper.

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 6 sati

    [first day at marketing company] client: i need help naming my australian sheepskin boot company me: UGH client: yes i love it! me: *not listening* so many spiders there

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. sij

    single millennial twitter gonna go crazy with this one

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a 𝓽𝓲𝓬𝓴𝓵𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    [guy about to invent the window] *staring at wall* what secrets do you hold

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    27. sij

    Filling a pool with gold coins: - been done - can’t actually dive, that’s a cartoon - showy as heck Filling a pool with buffalo wings -Neighbors will be hungry and jealous -Oh god my eyes why did I do this -The shallow end can be blue cheese

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    27. sij

    friend: wanna hang out me: im already in my pj’s friend: we can get pineapple pizza me:

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    My favorite game is trying to take something out of the refrigerator without moving the other items in front of it. I call it Refrigerator Jenga, and when you lose you clean up marinara for 40 minutes.

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    24. sij

    what if bees flew out of vaginas when a woman cums, bees would still be endangered :(

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  13. 24. sij

    i have the flu, so just pretend i'm tweeting funny things instead of slowly losing consciousness on my couch

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    20. sij

    cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly me: no i know this is a trap cat: me: cat: me: fine *goes to pet belly* cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    20. sij

    Vader: did you ever wonder what happened to your father Luke: nah Vader: Luke: why care about a deadbeat lol Vader [holding back tears]: w-well suppose for a second that you did wonder

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    20. sij

    missy elliott baking pineapple cake: put that thang down flip it and reverse it

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    20. sij

    im an idiot but secretly a genius, but even more secretly than that, im an idiot

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    18. sij

    How to know she’s into you: -laughs at your jokes -casual physical contact -releases the binding another witch has placed on your powers -encases your enemy in thorn covered branches

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    17. sij

    me: congrats, when is the baby due pregnant librarian: oh it's mine i get to keep it

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    14. sij

    my therapist doesn't ask me how my week was anymore, she just asks how many baths I've taken and for how long did I sit in the tepid water disassociating

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