Kevin Simler

I have a chip on my shoulder about people saying “I feel” about non-emotions. “I feel scared and angry.” “I feel attacked.” “I feel like you are attacking me.” I can tell by the way I react that I’m overreacting, but I think there’s some there there too.

(Main caveat is that some people can say “I’m feeling attacked” with... really good emotional posture or something and I have almost none of my usual reaction. Which is cool.)

There’s this meme about how people are entitled to their feelings. And I endorse that pretty hard when we are talking about emotions. I’m often up for letting people have their narratives, too, but it’s different.

Like, people can misrepresent whether they are angry and scared or whatever, and I’ll often point out if their self reports seem off, but people can also be strategic about what emotions they have in the first place. So it doesn’t seem like my place to police it.

“people can also be strategic about what emotions they have in the first place” this bothers me so much and makes me really sad. (and i know i do it as well.... not just complaining about other people.) social incentives can be terribly perverse :(

one of my go-to examples of this is when google published their findings that “psychological safety” is one of the main factors in successful teams. great, i believe this. but once it becomes an explicit norm, everything goes haywire....