Fine, fine, I'll keep going.
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Looking forward to the GOP roll call: ALABAMA: Roy Moore, legally standing a hundred feet outside a mall ALASKA: Hunters lighting up caribou with AK-47s ARIZONA: Joe Arpaio licking a taser ARKANSAS: Tom Cotton smashing a bottle on a bar, daring the camera to fight...
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AMERICAN SAMOA: [delegates barred because Trump insists they're a Girl Scout cookie] CALIFORNIA: Devin Nunes' cow COLORADO: A can of room temperature Coors Light CONNECTICUT: Lou Dobbs for some reason DELAWARE: Biden's long-form birth certificate DC: A canister of tear gas
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FLORIDA: Ron DeSantis in a hazmat suit he somehow has on inside-out GEORGIA: Brian Kemp holding a lit stick of dynamite GUAM: [delegates barred because Trump hates Wrigley's] HAWAII: A local official insisting it's actually part of America until the microphone is cut off
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IDAHO: A tray of burnt French fries ILLINOIS: Rod Blagojevich with an auctioneer's gavel INDIANA: Bobby Knight, talking to an empty chair, screaming at an empty chair, kicking the living shit out of an empty chair IOWA: A corn-dog cannon from the State Fair
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KANSAS: Kris Kobach and his list of very real cases of voter fraud that he can't seem to find KENTUCKY: Mitch McConn-BOOOOOOOO! LOUISIANA: LSU Coach Ed Orgeron running through a tackling dummy with Joe Biden's face taped to it MAINE: Susan Collins' slight disappointment
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MARYLAND: The defense lawyer from "The Wire" MASSACHUSETTS: Sully and White Pete outside a Dunkin, what the hell you lookin' at MICHIGAN: A middle-aged Kid Rock, getting winded halfway through "Bawitdaba" MINNESOTA: Michele Bachmann, that's right, America, Michele Bachmann!
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MISSISSIPPI: A Confederate monument come to life MISSOURI: The St. Louis gun couple MONTANA: Greg Gianforte in a luchador mask NEBRASKA: Ben Sasse, slowly edging out of the camera frame NEVADA: [NSFW story recounted in Michael Cohen's book]
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NEW HAMPSHIRE: [postponed due to bad weather] NEW JERSEY: Chris Christie, directing traffic in Fort Lee NEW MEXICO: Someone insisting that "the wall should have been to the south, please, sir, we're Americans, please"
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NEW YORK: The hosts of "Fox & Friends," but Kilmeade has somehow caught his head in a blender NORTH CAROLINA: The Duke Blue Devil mascot slapping the floor OHIO: Jim Jordan in an OSU wrestling singlet OKLAHOMA: A pile of slurry next to a fracking device
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OREGON: Cliven Bundy, barricaded in Malheur again for some reason PENNSYLVANIA: Just a paper sign that says "Wharton" PUERTO RICO: A fresh roll of Bounty paper towels RHODE ISLAND: Calamari, again SOUTH CAROLINA: Lindsey Graham debating Lindsey Graham about Trump's character
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SOUTH DAKOTA: Kristi Noem, sandblasting Trump's face onto Mt. Rushmore TENNESSEE: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha TEXAS: Ted Cruz, attacking his own wife and father UTAH: A battered piñata of Mitt Romney VERMONT: A guy with a Bernie Sanders cutout screaming "socialism" over and over
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VIRGINIA: A torchlight parade in Charlottesville WASHINGTON: [stricken from the roll call after a long argument with the president about how he doesn't live there] WEST VIRGINIA: A lump of beautiful, clean coal!
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WISCONSIN: The ghost of Joe McCarthy, even though he too is a little skeeved out by all this WYOMING: The guy Dick Cheney shot in the face, introduced by the gun that shot him
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(Apologies for leaving a state out) NORTH DAKOTA: A guy dramatically coughing on the elderly Wal-Mart greeter who asked him to wear a mask
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End of conversation
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