Ken TremendousCompte certifié

Your parents or relatives told you This Meal was more important than Other Meals. This Meal *matters,* for family reasons and America reasons and nebulous Other Reasons. It was a big deal! You had to dress up and your cousins came over and there was no school. It "Mattered."

And year after year, you dressed up, and your cousins came over, and you ate This Meal. The Important Meal. And year after year, you secretly thought...why? Why is This Meal so Important. You'd had turkey before, obviously, but this turkey...is better, somehow?

This turkey took hours to cook, and everyone made a Big Deal about it, how great it was and how incredible the cooks did preparing it. And you tasted it, and it...was turkey.

And then you had the mashed potatoes, and they were good, because they were soaking in butter, but also: you'd had those before. You hated the green beans and didn't eat them. Someone insisted you have cranberries, and you tried them and *they were nasty and awful.*

Everyone talked about the stuffing, how it was The Best Part and Oh My God The Stuffing!, and You Have To Try The Stuffing!, so you did, and it was gross and dry and had a billion herbs that made you feel like you were licking a forest floor.

And then everyone talked about The Gravy, Oh Man The Gravy, The Gravy!!!!!, so you poured gravy on a little part of your turkey and it was thick and goopy and maybe made the turkey taste...different? At least it wasn't so dry. But why was everyone losing their minds?

You had some turkey and some potatoes and skipped right to pecan pie and ice cream. And as all the adults told each other that This Meal was incredible, and This Meal Was Just Perfect, and We Can't Wait For Leftovers Tomorrow!, somewhere, down deep, you knew they were wrong.

You weren't old enough or confident enough to stand up to them, but you knew: it was *fine.* Some of it -- the cranberries and green beans and stuffing -- was straight up gnarly. But you said nothing. Because *they* kept saying: It Is Amazing!

Now you're grown-up. You control your own life. You can break out of this horrible circular trap. You can admit now what you've always known. It isn't worth it. It's not that good. Most of it is bad. It takes *days* to make. It. Isn't. Worth. It.

You can keep up the lies and fake enthusiasm if you want. The Turkey Is So Moist! The Potatoes Are So Fluffy! The Stuffing Is Mom's Recipe And She Always Made It The Best! The Cranberries Are Adequate! (Not even orthodox Thanksgiving acolytes can claim cranberries taste good.)

Or you can admit what you've always known. What you knew years ago, when you were a kid. This Meal is worse than almost every other meal you're going to eat this year, and it will have taken 1000x as long to make. Break out of the prison you're in. Open your eyes. Start fresh.