k e i t h   

@KeetPotato

🏠 england, united kingdom, great britain keetpotatomail@gmail.com

Joined July 2012
Born 01 August

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  1. Pinned Tweet
    30 Aug 2021

    cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

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  2. 11 hours ago
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  3. May 11

    how do fish have bitcoin and i don’t

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  4. May 10

    good job they did this otherwise people might.. figure out where he lives 🤔

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  5. May 9
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  6. Apr 30

    my special move is scooping ice cream straight out the freezer and breaking every bone in my hand instead of waiting 3 minutes

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  7. 15 Sep 2016

    me: it's confusing judge: oh really? tell me ONE thing that justifies you not paying this ticket for 8 years? me: it says "parking fine"

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  8. Apr 26

    “Oh, go eat some flowers!” “Ahh! My secret shame.”

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  9. Apr 25

    amber’s attorney just objected to their own line of questioning 🤦‍♂️

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  10. Apr 21

    this is the scariest thing he’s ever written

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  11. Apr 20

    maybe the edibles were strong after all

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  12. Apr 20

    thinking of names as purely just a noise you make with your mouth, suddenly every name becomes ridiculously stupid: - beth - jack - bob - carl

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  13. Apr 20

    apologies in advance to all the chris’ who read this and have their day ruined out the blue

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  14. Apr 20

    when you really dissect this and think about names as just sounds, like what the fuck is chris? who heard chris and thought “let’s make that noise at our baby for the rest of his life” i say this as a person called keith

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  15. Apr 20

    choosing a name is like: dad: “what sound should we call the baby?” mum: “what about chris?”

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  16. Apr 20

    all our names are just made up noises our parents thought sounded nice

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  17. Apr 18

    bro wtf are you supposed to do while people are singing happy birthday to you

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  18. 24 Mar 2016

    me: "we commemorate the day you died every year" jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?" me: "bad friday"

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  19. Apr 11

    still can’t believe when we try to make something better in this world just how many people dive head first into the “i was treated badly so you should be too” category

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  20. Apr 6

    [goes to the pet store and buys 9 cats just to impress the girl i met online] me: “i have 9 cats” her: “ew that’s disgusting” me: “didn’t your profile say you’re a cataholic?” her: me: her: “catholic”

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  21. 16 Jan 2020

    settle an argument, you’re sharing a pizza, do you: - take Slice 1 (because it’s the next slice) or - take Slice 2 (because you took a few seconds to decide it’s the best slice)

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