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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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what the hell did he forget this time
https://twitter.com/internetkendra/status/1527669475910242305 …
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how do fish have bitcoin and i don’thttps://twitter.com/CNBCi/status/1523749964215730179 …
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good job they did this otherwise people might.. figure out where he lives
https://twitter.com/TheExiledDuck/status/1523787099459457025 …
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my special move is scooping ice cream straight out the freezer and breaking every bone in my hand instead of waiting 3 minutes
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k e i t h Retweeted
me: it's confusing judge: oh really? tell me ONE thing that justifies you not paying this ticket for 8 years? me: it says "parking fine"
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k e i t h Retweeted
“Oh, go eat some flowers!” “Ahh! My secret shame.”pic.twitter.com/8WsUHjlEWv
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amber’s attorney just objected to their own line of questioning
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this is the scariest thing he’s ever writtenhttps://twitter.com/StephenKing/status/1516600154153005056 …
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thinking of names as purely just a noise you make with your mouth, suddenly every name becomes ridiculously stupid: - beth - jack - bob - carl
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apologies in advance to all the chris’ who read this and have their day ruined out the blue
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when you really dissect this and think about names as just sounds, like what the fuck is chris? who heard chris and thought “let’s make that noise at our baby for the rest of his life” i say this as a person called keith
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choosing a name is like: dad: “what sound should we call the baby?” mum: “what about chris?”
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all our names are just made up noises our parents thought sounded nice
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k e i t h Retweeted
bro wtf are you supposed to do while people are singing happy birthday to you
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k e i t h Retweeted
me: "we commemorate the day you died every year" jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?" me: "bad friday"
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still can’t believe when we try to make something better in this world just how many people dive head first into the “i was treated badly so you should be too” category
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[goes to the pet store and buys 9 cats just to impress the girl i met online] me: “i have 9 cats” her: “ew that’s disgusting” me: “didn’t your profile say you’re a cataholic?” her: me: her: “catholic”
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k e i t h Retweeted
settle an argument, you’re sharing a pizza, do you: - take Slice 1 (because it’s the next slice) or - take Slice 2 (because you took a few seconds to decide it’s the best slice)pic.twitter.com/3Snv0Gr25z
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england, united kingdom, great britain keetpotatomail@gmail.com