This gonna be a bit of a nest of retweets, but consider it a series of perspectives, 2/3 of which so far I know are worthwhile (that's a little bit of that old self deprecating humour you've heard so much about). What I have to say on this comes mostly from personal experience -https://twitter.com/FelixTheHuman28/status/940866092175691776 …
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and I don't believe for a second that my personal experience is all that unique. I wonder, honestly, how much of cismen's unrequited love, that which is proclaimed to push men to the right politically, or into incel communities etc., is actually less like romantic love and more -
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like a panicked scream for any kind of real emotional connection. I've been there, many times, one time too many honestly, but that one time too many had me thinking hard. She was a good friend, a very good friend I didn't want to lose. I was in a dark place and I was afraid.
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Afraid that I'd lose one of the realest connections I'd ever made. But I didn't, because I chose to agree with her that "I hope we can still be friends." A cliché, surely, but depending on the circumstances it can mean a lot of different things.
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Sometimes, "I hope we can still be friends" probably means "I hope this rejection isn't going to turn violent or abusive." Too often, probably. But sometimes it's genuine, and it means "I don't want to lose this friendship, this connection." So I thought hard about what it meant.
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And I thought about what I meant when I said "I think I'm in love with you." I don't necessarily think it wasn't true, but I think it mostly meant "I want this emotional bond to tighten." And so it did, with some hard work and thinking. I've rarely had a better friend than her.
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When I decided I didn't want to sever that bond, the only other option left was to tighten it and to grow the friendship. It wasn't without trauma, I think mostly because some part of her, even knowing me so well, instinctively expected rebuttals or repercussions to saying no.
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This is basically turning into self-therapy, sorry about that (not sorry about that). But why are women so often the target of these socio-emotional panic attacks? Most likely exactly because women are, societally, "allowed" to make such connections. Women have been saying this -
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for years, but it took a lot of hard thinking on my part to understand it, and as such, excuse me for mansplaining this to my fellow dudes. When you want so painfully for any kind of love, and the only love you allow yourself is romantic, it is all too easy to trip up and demand
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all kinds of things, because we feel entitled to it, because we have to be in a sense, when it's the only love allowed. I've been part of some fucked up online communities in my past, from conspiracy theory forums (read: n*zi recruitment) - -
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to ForeverAlone IRCs (read: incel/redp*ll recruitment). These places thrive and feed off of your insecurities, and those insecurities are seeded with toxic masculine ideals. No love, no empathy, brute strength, you take what you want and keep what you kill. It's not healthy.
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I guess short story long is, real friendships are better than sex. Real emotions can get overwhelming, but it's worth it for the safety and comfort of others, and eventually yourself. Love yourself, listen to others. This thread was too long!
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