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The other day, I decided to conduct an experiment. I set a timer for 3 hours and counted how many times I was publicly shamed here on twitter during that time. The answer? 12. And since then I've counted dozens of examples of others being shamed, as well. (thread)
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Just under half of mine came from people on the right-hand side of the political spectrum, using the tried-and-true denial technique, “impossible expectations” ... i.e. you’re only allowed to talk climate action if you essentially stop breathing & live off the grid. No surprise.
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But the other half came from people who were clearly very concerned about & invested in climate change. Something I said or didn’t say had violated their 10 Commandments of Green Living, and they wanted to make sure I knew it.
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Here's the problem, though. Did any of those tweets make me want to do what they were judging me for not doing? No. In fact, they made me want to do the exact opposite because it's clear such judgement is a zero-sum game: it's about pushing someone else down to lift yourself up.
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So in my book, SAVING US, I talk about guilt. I understand where it comes from because I feel it myself. It springs from fear, and the sincere desire to change. It often begins like this.
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But when we are talking to each other? People who may be trying to do the right thing, or not sure about the whole issue, but who aren't actively and deliberately trying to destroy the world? What if we tried something different: love. As the SAVING US chapter on guilt ends ...
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When someone says something to us that communicates love rather than guilt, how do we react? We're more likely to listen; we may even consider a change. Because we know it’s NOT a zero-sum game. It’s about us all winning, together.
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So next time you’re tempted to wave a judgey finger - and I understand the fear, anger & frustration that compels us to do that, I feel it too - maybe stop for second. Consider how you might display love instead. Give it a try. And please … let me know how it works!
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But the people who need to feel guilty and change the most are often not the ones who will. Because that's how they got in the position they are in in the first place.
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