It's suddenly very personal. I hadn't previously seen the date of 's birthday party that drove a bus through the lockdown rules. Now I see it was the very same day as my brother's funeral for which every rule was obeyed. It's taken an hour to stop shaking with rage.
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Jonathan L. Howard
@JonathanLHoward
Monstrous author/crow/submarine hybrid, looks vaguely human in poor light. Johannes Cabal/Carter & Lovecraft/Broken Sword etc DMs open. He/Him Patreon goo.gl/V
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My daughter evolved the idea last night that, when Batman's ill, all the bats in the Batcave take it upon themselves to fill in by cramming themselves into a Batsuit, wobbling themselves over to the Batmobile, and fighting crime, all the while hoping no one notices the imposture.
Sajid Javid: I wonder what happens if I fuck around?
Wes Streeting: Try it and find out.
"One guess left," said the puppet.
#SixWordHorror
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Today's challenge isn't new, but I still think it's fun.
Write a horror story in six words.
Please use hashtag
#SixWordHorror
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*Looks at WiP*
"She skipped along the path, her breasts stolid and immutable."
I have been lied to all this time.
Okay, writing advice. Best piece of writing advice I ever had was "Use words." This saved me a lot of trouble. I'd tried to write a short story using some cucumber slices and the skeletised spine of a vole, but the pacing was off, the plot dull, and the characters smelled weird.
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"That's all I know! Please! Don't drop me, man! Don't drop me! I swear to God that's all I know!"
"squeaksqueaksqueak."
"What?"
"squeaksqueak."
"Man, you're real high-pitched for such a big dude."
"squeaksqueak."
"Your chin... that's not stubble. That's... OH MY GOD!"
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Scarecrow: You will know FEAR, Batman! I am the Scarecrow! I am the embodiment of all terrors! I am...
*Batsuit empties as a wave of angry bats storms towards the Scarecrow*
Batbats: squeaksqueaksqueak
Scarecrow (Wets himself): ...a rank amateur.
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"Have you noticed anything... different about the Batman recently, Commissioner?"
"Like what, Montoya? He's doing an amazing job keeping crime down."
"And insects."
"What?"
"Nothing..."
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Arkham Asylum Guard: Okay, okay, don't knock the door down! Just hold... YOU?
Joker: Yes, me. I was wondering if you'd be a pal and let me in? I had a run-in with the Batman this evening, and things got... weird and... y'know, I think I need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.
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My heartfelt thanks to everyone who's written to sympathise. It means a great deal to me. I'm sorry there are too many to reply to, but I've read every message and appreciate all your kind thoughts.
I AM GOING TO MAKE AN ENORMOUS COLONY SHIP OUT OF NOODLES AND PORK BROTH
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET IT? YOU COULD HAVE A...
RENDEZVOUS WITH RAMEN
THANK YOU
"And the Union workhouses. Are they still in operation?"
"Both very busy, sir..."
"Those who are badly off must go there."
"Many can't go there; and many would rather die."
"If they would rather die," said Scrooge, "they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population."
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Theresa May here, deploying the lesser seen "so what? Sure they're homeless but they aren't on the fucking streets are they??" defence. Effective.
Lesbi-whats? You just made that word up.
I do too many pol tweets. So tldr, Brexit's a disaster, Trump's an idiot, racists are turds, and I'm a feminist. There, you're up to speed.
I know I've RTed this once already, but I'm steaming about this. Kelly Marie Tran is, by all accounts, a lovely person. What kind of louse harrasses a jobbing actor because of some space opera movie? What kind of shit-heel places their fandom above their basic humanity?
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Kelly Marie Tran has deleted all the posts off her Instagram due to months of harassment she has received for her character Rose in #TheLastJedi
Your occasional reminder that "virtue signalling" is a right wing euphemism for "You're not behaving like a selfish bastard and it makes me uncomfortable."
I'm very sorry to hear that, that's a horrible thing to happen. For what it's worth, I think the lockdown was the right thing to do, albeit too late for it to work as well as it might. I'm furious about those in power who didn't believe the rules applied to them.
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There are a lot of bats in the Batcave; I'm sure that's viable. Maybe some others could steal a Robin suit and just sit in the Batmobile, swapping with the Batbats when they get tired, like a chiropteran tag team.
Don't know whether the bloke behind me on the train is snogging someone or a very noisy eater. Either way, I don't want to look.
A new biography of Napoleon puts him at the centre of the Napoleonic Wars, but also says that without the support of thousands of soldiers, he'd just have been a bloke in a field wearing a hat.
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A new biography of Hitler places him at the center of the genocide against the Jews but also says that without the support of thousands, the Holocaust could never have been carried out nyti.ms/3hCPBae
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Dept. of "You Couldn't Make It Up": Exhibit 2.
Also worth noting that his family made a fortune from slavery and had their noses well in the trough when compensation was handed out at abolition. Their descendant voted against laws to ensure rented accomodation is "habitable." You'll be astonished to learn he's a landlord.
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Here is Rees-Mogg’s mate, Tory MP Richard Grosvenor Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax. He has a quadruple-barrelled name, lives in an enormous country house on an enormous estate in Dorset & also wears a top hat. A real man of the people. Voted against feeding hungry kids. Obviously.
This is one reason we're convinced that the Batcave bats are deeply committed to the Batman's mission and generally very altruistic and considerate; they NEVER shit on his stuff.
He shot himself in the meat department.
Lilies are white,
And so are anemones,
Please accept this bucket full
Of the blood of your enemies.
#ValentinesDay
"They called me a fucking terrorist," sobs a fucking terrorist on discovering he's on the No-Fly list for fucking terrorists.
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People who broke into the Capitol Wednesday are now learning they are on No-Fly lists pending the full investigation. They are not happy about this. twitter.com/ExpertMilkshak
I'm hoping for a better world, a world in which, when someone says "Boris," your first thought is "Karloff."
No, no, no, no. I was thinking about him only earlier today. This is horrible news.
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People in positions of power should be held to the highest standards, not given a free pass. I'm hardly surprised that you regard the law as something that should only trouble the little people. Your morality seems a very partial entity.
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Batbats: *squeaksqueaksqueak*
Translation: "We must have a disguise. Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. So our disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts. We shall become... a MAN!"
It'll be those fancy matryoshka vaginas that are all the rage these days.
So, you may have noticed I abruptly stopped talking about building models a few weeks ago. Specifically, it was when my brother died. Even now, my interest in hobbies, any pastimes in fact, is about zero. This, it transpires is a common symptom of depression. So...
1/
Yes, this is acceptable. Please get over here ASAP. Get a fast plane.
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BREAKING: Lizzo has pulled Excalibur from its stone and laid claim to all of Britain.
"WHAT DO WE WANT?"
"more of us."
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"
"they said they'd be here by now."
"traffic's bad."
"yeah. traffic's bad."
Have decided to rewrite MOBY DICK from the POV of the whale. It will be ver literary.
Tuesday: Krill.
Wednesday: Krill.
Thursday: I think I'm being followed.
Friday: Guy's leg.
Saturday: Krill.
The best bad #review I had was one that said that, while the chapters were entertaining enough, the novel itself was an incoherent mess.
Reader, it was a short story collection.
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Please, writers of Twitter, share the best bad #review you've ever had.
Mine was the young chap who mansplained the ENTIRE fantasy genre in his review, telling the world precisely how Ecko Rising should have been The Belgariad.
That, or being called a misogynist...
Kramer: What are you doing there?
Sprenger: Err... nothing. Just doodling.
K: IS THAT A COCK TREE?
S: NO! I mean, kind of?
K: How the fuck old are you, anyway, Jim?
S: Ah, but... witches!
K: Wut?
S: It's a thing witches do! Cock trees! Yeah!
K: Oh. Okay, I'll put it in the index.
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From 'Malleus Maleficarum' (1486): how witches steal penises & put them in trees.
And a woman with her #penistree
Because I like you, I shall share this picture of the original Professor Yaffle animation puppet from #Bagpuss as built by Peter Firmin, and tell you that the professor's full name is Augustus Barclay Yaffle. You are very welcome.
I am abruptly in love. twitter.com/thetigersez/st
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This is absurd. My jaw just dropped and dropped and dropped as I read this. It describes the system as Kafkaesque at one point, but I can't imagine Kafka doing anything but laughing and saying it's too ridiculous. gq.com/story/inside-f
Well, nothing at all psychotic about The Most Powerful Man in the World™ tweeting a thing like this. Must admit, never anticipated the future feeling a lot like the last reel of THE DEAD ZONE.
I've just had some very bad news and will be offline for some days. Be kind to one another, and love those close to you. Goodbye for now.
In a moment of sheer revelatory ecstasy, Calum remembered he had an unopened packet of fruit pastilles in his pocket.
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I'm always taken aback by how badly dressed he is. Despite his wealth, everything seems to be off the peg. Usually the wrong peg.
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Isn't it adorable? Early models used a jet engine called the Halford Goblin. I always love British names for military hardware.
US name: DEATHFUCKER 5000X
UK name: Mr Murgatroyd's Pixie Bomb Bus
I digress.
/4
Me, an adult: "I don't need any more RPG stuff. I have everything I could possibly want."
*Suddenly a wild Kickstarter appeared*
"Hello!"
"I really don't want whatever it is that you're--"
"Sword and sorcery birbs!"
"Take my money."
kickstarter.com/projects/hitpo
This is terrible news. He was in what proved to be the prototype for Monty Python, AT LAST THE 1948 SHOW, and of course THE GOODIES, a series that was frequently far more political than Python. Saw him at the SlapstickFest a few years back. He'll be missed.
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Buxton born Tim Brooke-Taylor, the comedian and actor, has died this morning from COVID-19.
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Please tell your daughter that I have nine published novels and I still had to look up what a "fronted adverbial" is. Ironically, it transpires I'm a heavy user. Best of luck to her in all her endeavours.
(Incidentally, her handwriting is better than mine has ever been.)
That time in 1974 the Royal Navy deliberately shoved a Buccaneer off the flight deck of the Ark Royal to make a training film about securing aircraft in bad weather. I don't *think* there was a giant cat in evidence, but that might have been down to clever camera angles.
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"I frightened my granddaughter to tears by making her think my dogs are terrifying surveillance cyborgs. AITA?"
Ooh, don't tell me, I'm sure I know the answer to this one.
A POTUS behaving like a spoilt 5yo. I've written fiction about the banality of evil, but I never dared go this petty for fear of stretching the reader's suspension of disbelief. Elder Gods, vampires, et al? Fine. Trump? Nobody would believe him as a fictional character.
I'm sure there's nothing terrible at the bottom of these 4500 year old shafts.
I'm sure 2020 isn't so terrible that it'd inflict Shoggoths on us.
.
.
.
DON'T EXCAVATE THOSE SHAFTS
BBC News - Stonehenge: Neolithic monument found near sacred site bbc.co.uk/news/uk-englan
I want Peter Cushing on the £50. He was a lovely chap, a wonderful actor, and he once cowed Christopher Lee (by Lee's own admission) by tutting very quietly at him.
LET'S COMMEMORATE SOMEONE FOR BEING REALLY NICE, AS MUCH AS ANYTHING ELSE. THE 21ST CENTURY DESPERATELY NEEDS NICE.
As part of my continuing quest to accentuate the positive, and just ignore the negative for the moment because, ye gods, but there's a lot of it, here's a ferret in a Christmas jumper and hat.
Reading 's THE DECADE IN TORY (subtitled "An inventory of idiocy from the coalition to Covid). With everything else going on I'd almost managed to forget what an odious little shit Iain Duncan Smith is. This book brought it all back to me.
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*Picks up random high fantasy novel*
*Paraphrasing a little*
Sword Swordersson, swordsman of the Sword Tribe, drew his sword and held it aloft. Its tip was as pointy as his honour, its blade as slicey as his duty, its hilt as hilty as his loyalty.
In the valley, spearmen of...
You: HOUSE OF CARDS was a satire. No sane government could, would, or should conduct itself like that.
Michael Fabricant:
Long lost medieval tunnel system.
Definitely nothing to worry about.
Definitely nothing down there.
Trapped.
Biding its time until it was released.
Definitely not.
I'm sure.
Tintern 'secret' medieval tunnel system found by accident bbc.com/news/uk-wales-
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When your kid sister doodles on your GI Joe with magic marker.
He's right, though. Britain is desperately in need of people like him to punch and watch running away. It's excellent stress relief.
JURASSIC Park except the only recoverable DNA belongs to dodos and it's called MAURITIUS PARK. Moment of highest drama is when Sam Neill is very gently nipped. Jeff Goldblum lounges around for two hours feeding dodos corn with his shirt undone.
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Ye gods and little fish. "REAL gentlemen never strike women, but merely destroy their property" is one hell of a take.
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Yes, and there's the little matter of the First World War, too, for which you know you're entirely responsible. Also entropy and wasps.
Getting a little tired of the "Le Carré was better than mere genre" drumbeat that's turning up in way too many tributes, largely from litfic authors who wouldn't want to be caught slumming it in spyfic, the snobbish bastards.
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What they went with vs What they SHOULD have gone with:
At the station on my way to my brother's funeral. Middle of June, and it's coming down in stair rods, the very embodiment of pathetic fallacy. Lot going on in my head. Emotionally complicated. I think I'd rather be anywhere else today.
So it seems Jeb Bush has given up on his bid for the presidency and will instead be staging a musical.
There was the time the German educational establishment was harmonising how they would teach Tolkien in the universities. The fraught question of whether Elves speak "Elvish" or "Elven" caused much trouble. They settled on the latter, so now Elvish has left the Bildung.
"We go now to a government spokesman..."
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You can pay for verification? They made me do a sexy dance on Skype for Jack for mine. I feel so dirty. Again.
Hey, kids! Guess whose book birthday it is today! Back in 2009, this miserable bugger first crept out onto the bookshelves of Britain, later to besmirch those of the rest of the world.
Happy birthday, !
I am proud to be launching a national campaign with the British Monarchists Society, to put a Portrait of Her Majesty in every home, company and institution that would like one.
It is time to rediscover our pride in being British!
Obviously, they don't literally mea...
Oh, it's the Conservatives.
In that case, all bets are off.
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Replying to
And how are you enjoying your experience of the Occident?
Perhaps such an enthusiastic supporter of Brexit isn't in the ideal position to lecture anyone on the dangers of magical thinking, "fake news," and detachment from reality.
"I check the door."
"It seems to be sticking because one of the hinge mounts is working loose."
"Okay. Well, I get my wand and--"
"Ah, ah, ah."
"Oh, right. I get my *screwdriver* and..."
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Wizards play rpgs about us
Okay. It's a thermionic veracity filter. You use it to modulate the hyperbole density in any signal, allowing you to trim out anything from broad porkies to mild fibs with a special facility for unsubstantiated gossip, hence the derivation of the expression "To squelch a rumour."
I stepped over the bones of my predecessors and looked up at the house. It narrowed its windows to look at me. The doorway lurched sideways in a sneer, the catflap spat out a skull. I hefted my brush. "Okay, fucker," I told the mansion, "let's dance."
THE PAINTING OF HILL HOUSE twitter.com/TJPayne3333/st
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If I ever do a "How to Write" book, the first page will say, "Fucked if I know. Look, just make up shit that amuses you. Grammar and punctuation aren't optional. Read lots. Okay, there you go. You'll be fine," and the rest of it is a notebook.
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"What are you doing there, officer?"
"Well, I'm beating this giant dick, and... yeah, I'm going to stop doing that now."
Briefly, the pro-Brexit European Research Group is an IPSA (i.e. publically) funded Tory glee club, chaired by Jacob Rees-Mogg. They held a secret meeting with a representative of a foreign power, and did not inform the Prime Minister. Any PM with a spine would withdraw the whip.
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Sunday TELEGRAPH: “Trump aide in secret talks with Brexiteers” #bbcpapers #tomorrowspaperstoday
It's generally assumed authors have many unpublished novels lying around. In my case, only one, but I'd dearly love to see in print. It's a hard sell, alas. Apparently the world is not ready for an MG novel about a girl, a combat fairy, and a librarian kobold. Your loss, world.
This should make your day. Interesting how they lock onto one toy as the one they really want, bless them.
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This year we combined toy donations from our staff & amazing supporters, lined them up and let the dogs in our Rehoming Centre pick their own Christmas present. We hope this makes you smile as much as we did recording the dogs have so much fun! #SantaPaws #HappyDogs 
The coincidence of it is horrible. I keep going back to my sister's email where she gives me the details of the service because it seems so absurd. The funeral was booked for 13:15, and apparently by 14:00 Johnson was having "Happy Birthday" sung at him by 30 people.
First they came for Alex Jones, and I laughed.
Then they came for Trump's star, and I was all, "No, wait, come on, I'm still laughing about the Alex Jones thing."
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"Gelid." I am near desperate for that to mean "in a densely gelatinous state," but it just means "jolly cold."
DEALING WITH HARSH LITERARY CRITICISM: Pro Advice
1. Avoid reading reviews.
2. If accidentally exposed, do not engage, but consider the criticism objectively.
3. Say "Fuck you" to an empty room.
4. Make mocking little baby noises while pretending to be the critic.
5. Drink.
We did everything we could to minimise suffering and loss of life.
As you know, today is International #JohannesCabal Day, marking the 12th anniversary of the epochal first publication of JOHANNES CABAL THE NECROMANCER. Tonight the streets will be filled with children in traditional black suits and dark glasses, making sarcastic comments.
Possibly worth saying that, when he says "gladiators," he doesn't actually mean gladiators, he means whiny fascist twats. Worth clarifying that, I thought.
