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Jon Bois
@jon_bois
well it's jon. executive producer
Jon Bois’s posts
stop fighting! everyone stop fighting! this goes against everything the lockheed martin armed forces bowl stands for! twitter.com/OldRowSports/s
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hey! just in case twitter shuts down at some point but you still want to follow along with what i’m up to, my address is 167 montclair st., apt. 2c, brooklyn, new york, 11279. stop by anytime. i’m not really a “lock the door” kind of person so if i don’t answer, just walk on in
people sometimes wonder if i’m the same guy in real life as i am on twitter. and yes, absolutely i am. i speak 11 sentences per day and 580 people laugh every time. sometimes someone on the street will say something and i answer “where’s the lie” in my kitchen seven hours later
ok,here’s a hypothetical: you’re offered $17.6 billion to peel and eat an entire orange. the orange and an orange peel are provided for you. if you’re having trouble peeling the orange someone can do it for you. also you don’t have to eat it if you aren’t hungry. what do you do
i forgot to tweet this earlier but last sunday, chris rock was presenting an oscar and made a joke at jada pinkett smith’s expense. will smith (her husband) took offense and went up and slapped him. if you google “will smith chris rock” you should be able to find more about it
i just happened upon a gang of youths who were spraying graffiti on a local establishment. i asked them, “why do you vandalize? what animates you?” after a long pause, one said, “out-of-control deficit spending.” i call upon our elected leaders to balance the federal budget – now
seen a lot of good goofs over the years but it’s tough to beat the time my friend texted me “i cooked an extra corn cob i don’t want, you hungry?” he lived in california, i lived in kentucky. i said sure and immediately forgot about it. five days later i got it in the mail
after watching the shock and awe bombings in 2003 i swore off politics entirely. i was 20 then and i never imagined someone with bernie’s platform would ever have a chance in hell. i can’t believe this. to everyone who’s voting or volunteering for him, thank you and i love you
by the time i’m 40 i pledge to:
- refer to all video games as “mario games”
- refer to everything on tv as a “show” including movies/sports
- use “spam” and “scam” interchangeably
- download a coupon app on my phone called WalletMunkey or something and never shut up about it
i tweet “Late capitalism.” and a photo i took of what i think is graffiti. someone explains that it’s spray-painted sidewalk markings indicating the location of a water line. i block them, delete the tweet and post a new one with the same photo that says “Water is so important.”
$600 million is enough to pay an entire 120-man roster $50,000 a year for 100 years
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$600 million.
That's how much money is going into Alabama's athletics facility upgrade. readsn.com/2OLEIEf
jordan passed on today, very comfortably and peacefully. he was endlessly funny and eccentric in ways i thought only a human could be. everyone who met him couldn’t get enough of him. hell of a 17-year run from louisiana shelter pup to true, one-of-a-kind legend. love you bubba!
this is peak 2020: today i saw a man riding a bicycle down the street. at first he looked quite small, but as he rode closer he appeared larger and larger. upon passing me he once again became smaller, and then he turned a corner and disappeared. and now i don’t know where he is
last time i criticized howard schultz, i tweeted that he shouldn’t run for president because he would be too busy to make the coffee. at least five people pointed out that he doesn’t personally make the coffee. i felt like an idiot. from then on i decided to just listen and learn
clocks are such a waste of energy. instead of hanging an electricity-guzzling clock on your wall, just hang up 720 unpowered clocks, each one set to every possible minute. then, if you want to look at a clock, just find the one that shows the current time and look at that one
drifting across black ice at 95 mph in my soft-top geo tracker so that in 2023 ambulance rides will cost $6000 instead of $10000
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The Biden campaign pushed its Iowa staffers to drive in hazardous conditions, telling them: “If it feels like unsafe driving conditions, then talk to me separately but frankly I don’t want to hear any complaints because you know how important this is”
thenation.com/article/biden-
if you pointed out to aaron rodgers that you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway he’d be able to summon enough spiritual energy to teleport to alpha centauri and start conjuring new planets
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i have decided that this thing is not only my personal friend, but a leftist, and i will tweet about it for several years
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Hasbro has just introduced, and this is not a joke, their new nightmarish mascot for NERF brand products named "Murph."
Murph's terrifying catchphrase is "unleash the play in you."
Here is Murph:
Replying to
a crypto guy who’s at least enough of a big deal to have been on cable news just shared this tweet as evidence that crypto will rebound. i swear to god, i have never tried harder to cram this much obviously meaningless bullshit nonsense into a single tweet
if twitter goes away, it’s really lousy news for those of us who get paid to tweet by the cia. i mean, i put in LOTS of work. i developed this op from the ground up. they paid me $2500 per tweet. and i guess i just thought it would last forever. i don’t know, it’s just sad
if the chiefs win the super bowl and bernie wins iowa the next night i’m gonna drink an entire can of beer. no sipping it by the spoonful, no measuring cups, nothing. drinking it straight out of the can. i’ll crack it open and on god it’ll be in the recyling bin one hour later
baseball should have a tenth position on the field called the team historian. his job is to just know interesting facts about the team. he can stand anywhere and doesn’t have to field, but he’s allowed to bring food and drinks with him and is paid far more than the other players