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I think I might start a website called Kickfarter, where people pay me to not fart.
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As if pineapple wasn't bad enough... I've just discovered this abomination. No! Just f#cking no
#pizzapic.twitter.com/m3FLMwMegS
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2019 is going to be confusing.
#TransLooksLikeThispic.twitter.com/E3crJh1i0M
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Got mugged by six dwarves last night. Not happy.
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If any of you get a message from me about tinned meat, don't open it, it's spam.
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Just been quoted £2k to insure a DeLorean. Seems expensive as I only intend to drive it from time to time...
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Didn't buy a big enough turkey this year. I really fancy a turkey sarnie but I finished the turkey 2 days ago.
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Act now, to enjoy a false sense of urgency!
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A Happy Teddy Bear Retweeted
Actress Dame June Whitfield, known for her roles in sitcoms Terry and June and Absolutely Fabulous, has died aged 93https://bbc.in/2CFKUu4
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I don't walk anywhere but for some reason, my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
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So, it's the period between
#Christmas
and #NewYear. No one knows what day it is. Time doesn't really exist. Can we start drinking at 8:30am? Why not! Existence is a confusion.Thanks. Twitter will use this info to make your timeline better. UndoUndo -
It's 4:20am and I'm wasting my life trying to get my Echo Dot to argue with Google Assistant.
#BoxingDayThanks. Twitter will use this info to make your timeline better. UndoUndo -
Just clearing up all the reindeer sh*t left in the yard.
#HappyChristmas
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"Um, here's a crazy idea, how about finishing the mural in the baby's room?" - Banksy's wife.
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