Aurora: AR-15
Thoughts & Prayers
Orlando: AR-15
Thoughts & Prayers
Las Vegas: AR-15
Thoughts & Prayers
Sandy Hook: AR-15
Thoughts & Prayers
Umpqua CC: AR-15
Thoughts & Prayers
San Bernardino: AR-15
Thoughts & Prayers
Sutherland Springs: AR-15
Thoughts & Prayers
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Jesus Christ Edge Lord Parody & Savior
@Jesus_M_Christ
You know who I am. If not, google me bitches. *PARODY* Donate to help solve the homeless crisis (Venmo: @ jesus-m-christ), 100% goes to 
Joined April 2009
Jesus Christ Edge Lord Parody & Savior’s Tweets
I'd come back sooner, but even I can't get through customs now.
I’ve been waiting 61 years to have a beer with Anthony Bourdain.
But I was willing to wait longer.
I’m always willing to wait longer.
If you’re thinking about suicide please call 1-800-273-8255
I can wait.
Pepsi: nobody will embarrass themselves as much as us this week.
United: hold my beer...
Sean Spicer: hold my Pepsi...
HEY JOEL OSTEEN, FRIENDLY REMINDER TO OPEN UP YOUR FUCKING CHURCH TO FUCKING FLOOD VICTIMS YOU FUCKING FRAUD MOTHER FUCKER...
Some crazy mofo in face paint and arm bands just crashed through the Pearly Gates and power-slammed St. Peter. Badass.
Go, shawty
It's my birthday
We gon' party
like it's my birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi
like it's my birthday
And you know we don't give a fuck
Cuz it’s my birthday
FUCK UR THOUGHTS & PRAYERS.
DO SOMETHING.
FUCKING DO SOMETHING.
Nick Foles just beat Tom Brady in the Super Bowl...
The lengths I go to in order to convince you I’m real can be exhausting.
IDGAF what the the Bible says about suicide, Robin Williams is getting into Heaven.
Joel, stop asking for money & open up your 16,800 seater church for displaced victims you fucking fraud.
Consider your prayers answered.
Quote Tweet
Victoria & I are praying for everyone affected by Hurricane Harvey. Please join us as we pray for the safety of our Texas friends & family.
BREAKING NEWS from Rebecca Black: Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.
Steven Hawking has been inside of heaven for less than 60 minutes and has already made 4 major scientific discoveries, beaten Einstein & Tesla in a drinking contest and still found time to sex up a dozen lady angels. Fucking legend.
We don't need thoughts.
We don't need prayers.
We need gun control.
Sorry, I am no longer able to heal anyone with pre existing conditions.
If you read the Bible and your takeaway is that my pops has endorsed removing children from their mothers, even I can’t save you.
Live shot of Florida Man running past security #SuperBowl
Carrie Fisher just asked me: "aren't you a little short for a messiah?" 60 years have gone by & she's still got it. Welcome home.
Thou shalt not tell alternative facts.
George Michael just walked in playing a sax made of gold & the angels are all singing "faith." I'd say RIP, but he's having too much fun now
Holy shit... Michael Jackson just challenged Prince to a walk off. This is the moment I've been waiting over 2,000 years for.
Gene just turned in his golden ticket, so we all did tequila shots. Because candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Charlie Murphy just got his basketball rematch with Prince. Blouses won by 95 points, & then it started raining pancakes. Heaven is lit AF.
I don't fuck with you Floyd. Keep my name out ya mouth.
GUESS WHO'S BACK IN THA MUTHAFUCKIN' HOUSE?! WITH A FAT DICK FOR YA MUTHAFUCKIN' MOUTH?! - John 11:25
Sorry guys, this is a tax shelter not a flood shelter. -Joel Osteen, probably
To President: NEVER, EVER THREATEN TO STOP SERVING PANCAKES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED ACRONYMS OF BEEF & KETCHUP. BE CAUTIOUS!
Don Rickles just asked me "who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?"
I've been waiting 90 years for this.
Selena Gomez just had her asshole bleached
ONCE AGAIN. THOU. SHALT. NOT. KILL. WHAT'S SO FUCKING HARD ABOUT THAT, PEOPLE???!!!
Sorry about the hurricane everyone. But if you continue to make episodes of Jersey Shore this is going to keep happening.
You have no idea how many of you drunk fuckers I had to take the wheel for last night.
Loaves and fishes for my hoes and bitches.
Go, go, go, go go, go,
go, shawty
It's my birthday
We gon' party
like it's my birthday
We gon' flip water into wine
like it's my birthday
And you know
we don't give a fuck
It's not your birthday!
Making it rain because I don't think Cubs fans have waited long enough. #WorldSeries
Now my dad claims he was on Ambien when he had me crucified.
JESUS IS EVERYWHERE:
You reminded my children that superheroes come in ALL colors.
So proud to have been a witness to YOU, Chadwick.
When you see me remember that YOU bow to no one.
Rest in power.
I totally fucked Alabama right there. Couldn't resist lol.
Stick your thoughts & prayers up your ass.
Go fucking do something!
I’m renaming the 17 people who were murdered at Parkland “Hillary’s emails” so conservatives will finally obsess over them. twitter.com/education4libs
This Tweet is unavailable.
For those of you playing at home..
Aurora:
AR-15 ✅
Immigrants ❌
Las Vegas:
AR-15 ✅
Immigrants ❌
Sandy Hook:
AR-15 ✅
Immigrants ❌
Sutherland Springs:
AR-15 ✅
Immigrants ❌
Columbine:
AR-15 ✅
Immigrants ❌
Charleston:
AR-15 ✅
Immigrants ❌
#SOTU
I just couldn't watch another second.
GUESS WHO'S BACK IN THA MUTHAFUCKIN' HOUSE?! WITHA FAT DICK FOR YA MUTHAFUCKIN' MOUTH?!
Three years ago, today, we lost a real one.
Dicks out one more time for Harambe.
Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.
Heroes get remembered but legends never die.
RIP KOBE
Why are we all sitting on the same side of the table?
The sin of rescinding DACA is too callous for comedy, so no jokes today.
America... get your fucking life together.
#DefendDACA
Oh btw, I got you bitches something for Christmas. It's a little thing called "Justin Bieber retires from music." You're welcome.
Ten Commandments seems a little too complicated for you all. How about this, just don't be a dick. Can you handle that?
BREAKING NEWS: Amanda Bynes still unsure whether Drake is ugly or the man of her dreams.
Billy Mays is up here partying like its $19.99.
You know who would be great at raking leaves in California? A caravan of 4,000 asylum seeking immigrants.
I'd be a lot more impressed if you were united in taking care of the poor, but I'm glad you remember that I became a zombie.
Quote Tweet
Diverse though we may be, Christians around the world are united in our shared belief that Jesus rose from the dead. spkrryan.us/2oqlwBZ
What lies ahead I have no way of knowin, but under my feet baby, grass is growin. It's time to move on... it's time to get goin.
Welcome home, Tom.
Can't accept someone into heaven who stiffs hardworking people on my behalf.
Quote Tweet
I did not die for the sins of Brett Kavanaugh.
Black lives matter.
Lion lives matter.
Caitlin Jenner is brave.
Troops are brave.
Get this either/or bullshit out of ur head.
Everyone up here is amped for karaoke night since Whitney showed up.
Every trailer park should have a nativity scene.
Remember I died for your sins. So if you don't sin, I died for nothing.
Korean Jesus ain't nothing to fuck with.
Just a friendly reminder, thou shalt not kill, you fucking fuck-boi fucks.
SEE, THIS IS WHY I CAN'T FUCK WITH Y'ALL NO MORE: pic.twitter.com/YcThjwBBbT
