I'm the parent of a trans kid. I want to clarify what that means (as best I can), because a lot of folks don't know or make incorrect presumptions. Happy #TransDayOfVisibility.
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Our daughter asked, "some girls have penises?" My wife said yes. Whether you were a boy or a girl wasn't about your private parts. "I'm a girl with a penis," my daughter said.
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All of a sudden all these things that had confused us about her when she was younger made sense. We went to learn about gender and kids - I mean I'm from San Francisco, grew up with a trans neighbor. My wife went to Sarah Lawrence. We were open but pretty ignorant.
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At first we called her gender non-conforming, which is an umbrella term for kids who don't fit into the gender binary. We wanted to be able to call "backsies" on the whole thing if she changed her mind. But she was very clear. She was a girl.
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Talking to trans friends, I learned why it's so important to clearly tell kids that private parts don't determine gender. Little kids often don't know what "trans" is, so they just assume... well... that they're broken. Give kids some language and they can tell you who they are.
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Anyway, she told us her new name, Grace. Actually, she initially said "Grease," but we figured out what she meant. Not the clearest enunciator back then.
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She socially transitioned in kindergarten. She had girl play clothes already that she wore at home when she felt like it, but my wife took her to Target to pick out some clothes. She chose a pink and purple My Little Pony dress.
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I live in LA. The school administration, teacher and our families were supportive and understanding. Our parents read this book from
@GenderSpectrum, which had also helped us. https://amzn.to/3u6zvePShow this thread -
We still had to (have to) be on guard all the time. Every new care situation (camp, sports, babysitter, friends' parents) had to get a briefing. We had to check every room for jerks. Because being misgendered, or forced to explain yourself is traumatic for a young kid.
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We basically had to be the professional trainers for every set of grownups that entered our kids' lives. It was and remains exhausting. I can only imagine what it's like for adult trans and gender non-conforming people.
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Trans kids first transition socially. That usually means changing name and pronouns, often manner of dress, hairstyle, all the parts of our lives that are gendered. Bathrooms. Sports teams. Lines coming back from recess.
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We hired a therapist. It can be scary to be so different. Trans people are the targets of harassment and violence, and have to find their own way because they have so few peers and role models who are like them. We found ours through LA Gender Center.https://www.lagendercenter.org/
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We also went to Transforming Family, a program at Children's Hospital of Los Angeles that includes therapists and facilitators for adults and playgroups for kids.https://www.transformingfamily.org/
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Our kid is nine. Puberty is on the horizon. This year for the first time she saw a doctor who specializes in adolescent medicine for trans kids. We're so grateful we live in LA and have access to caring medical pros who are up on the latest research and standards of care.
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When she enters puberty, she'll start taking a pill that prevents testosterone from changing her body. This treatment is safe and reversible, and is also used for kids with "precocious puberty" (puberty that starts too early).
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Trans kids take hormone blockers because while stated gender identities are stable starting from the time kids can express them, a ten or eleven-year-old's brain is still growing by leaps and bounds. So long-term decisions about bodies are postponed a bit.
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When our kid is in her teens, she'll decide how she feels about her body. She can do nothing and have a "boy's" puberty. She can take hormones and go through a "girl's" puberty. When she's a young adult, she can (if she choses) have surgical interventions.
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Plenty of trans young people are comfortable letting their bodies and gender identities be separate issues. Many want others' perceptions of their bodies to match their identities. Lots just know what is the "right" body for them. None of this is determined by parents.
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This is the course of action endorsed by doctors, mental health experts, gender experts and kids. It is backed by evidence. Kids whose identities are unsupported have horrible outcomes. Kids whose identities are affirmed have outcomes pretty similar to cisgender kids.
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In fact, cisgender kids have had their gender identities affirmed. I am cis, and no one ever tried to call me a girl when I was a kid or call me a girl name. I was always supported in my identity. No one is being "convinced" here. It's a matter of supporting the kids. Parenting.
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No parent would try to convince their kid to be gender non-conforming. It is a long, scary, rocky road, even in the best of circumstances. We all want our kids' lives to be smooth and easy. But if your kid is trans, that is unmutable. A parent's choice is whether to support them.
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Kids' genders have nothing at all to do with sexuality. (Neither do adults'.) My kids (9, 7 and 4) have never expressed a word of sexuality to me. They're kids. Trans kids and gay kids have some commonalities of experience, but don't conflate those two things.
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Many trans kids' trans identities are not public ("stealth"). We decided to be public with our kid's simply because there'd be no way to hide it, given how many funny stories we'd told about her before she transitioned. I try to talk about my experience, not hers.
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Generally speaking, the research suggests that kids who have declared their identity ("I am XXXX") have very stable identities. It's very unusual for them to change. If our daughter ever suggested she wasn't a girl, we'd be entirely supportive. She has been very clear, though.
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When my daughter transitioned, I realized how tightly I had held her identity as a boy. I'm not exactly Mr. Butch, I didn't have masc goals for her or anything, but I realized how hard it was to let go of my idea of her as a boy. That has helped me understand gender in my life.
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I've been grateful to have the partnership of my wife
@TheresaThorn. She wrote this beautiful book which explains gender in language any kid can understand. It's so important for kids (cis or trans) to know adults' assumptions don't define them, they do. https://amzn.to/3dohnWRShow this thread -
Theresa's royalties from the book go to
@GenderSpectrum. If there's a trans or gender-non-conforming kid in your life (or classroom, or medical practice or sports team), they have so many wonderful resources that can help you.Show this thread -
Also: I am public about my kid's identity because we had no choice. We're public figures who tell funny stories about our kids sometimes. We'd talked about her as a boy and would necessarily talk about her as a girl, so being public that she was transitioning was our only option.
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I don't relish this - I mean I don't post pictures of my kids publicly, try not to say stuff publicly that might make them uncomfortable when they're older, try to talk about *my* experience, not characterize theirs.
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And tbh safety is a concern. Had to talk to the security guards at my kid's school about all this, which I didn't love doing.
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I am, however, grateful that our public comfort with our kids' identities has led other parents and caregivers within our small sphere of influence to have more context and understanding for kids in their lives who might not be cis. When I hear from people I am so deeply touched.
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