Here is the way it usually goes with trans kids who are supported. This is a thread.
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The tricky part is that anyone denying the kid's identity can really, really hurt them. Even someone really doing their best to get it right. You put a lot of work into making sure, for example, a nice lady at the doctor's office doesn't use the kid's old name.
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Gender expansiveness also correlates with other kinds of neurodiversity and neurodivergence, so often you're simultaneously dealing with that stuff, which in itself is pretty challenging.
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Eventually, as a trans kid enters adolescence, you consider hormone blockers. These delay the onset of puberty. This allows your kid to make decisions about any more permanent medical interventions later in life, when they're closer to fully developed mentally and emotionally.
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Typically in their late teens, kids and their families decide if they want to pursue any more serious medical treatments, like hormones and surgery. Again, families typically wait as long as they can for this, so everyone is comfortable the decisions made are the right ones.
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Plenty of transgender folks, especially younger ones, don't have surgical interventions, or only have smaller surgical interventions. All surgery is painful and dangerous, so unnecessary surgery is always avoided. Expectations around bodies have changed a lot, too.
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What really matters is children feel supported in their families and communities. That's what makes the difference between safe kids and kids who are in danger - both in danger from external forces like hate crimes and from internal danger like mental illness and suicide.
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Only a tiny part of all of this is genitals. And you shouldn't be worried about other people's children's genitals. None of this is about sex. It's about who kids are, and whether we support them in that or try to gaslight them into thinking they're something else (but broken).
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No one is trying to convince their kid to be anything other than what they are. No one is trying to make their kids be trans. Being trans is hard! For the family and the kid. We support our kids because we love them. Because what are we supposed to do, not support them?
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I honestly understand why people roll their eyes a little or simply don't get it. It's an unusual situation and one I certainly never expected to find myself in. But any parent can tell you that no child is "usual." And the accommodations really aren't that hard. We can do it.
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What are the stakes for a kid? They're everything. Believe me. Comfort in their bodies, in their identities, in the world. What are the stakes for others? Remembering a different name? Remembering to tell them you love them as they are? It is easy for us. So easy.
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If you want to talk about gender with young kids in your life, my wife
@TheresaThorn wrote this acclaimed picture book about it. It clearly explains the basics without any age-inappropriate stuff, to help them understand themselves and others.https://amzn.to/2PqdHcKShow this thread -
If you're looking for resources about gender and kids - in education, in your home, in legislation - we have gotten a lot out of
@GenderSpectrum, to whom all@TheresaThorn's book royalties have gone.http://genderspectrum.orgShow this thread -
One thing to add: way more people (and kids) than you probably realize are intersex, meaning they have both male- and female-indicating physical characteristics. Offering a way for those people (and kids) to express and live their gender on their own terms is essential.
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I also want to emphasize that this broad outline is best practices as defined by pretty much every care group involved. Pediatricians, gender researchers, education researchers, etc. Research is early in many areas but all of this is supported by evidence.
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End of conversation
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