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  1. Pinned Tweet
    30 Dec 2018

    Cities on sale now. Many more coming. Join newsletter to read all cities/countries coming before they’re on sale. And yes I’m coming back to certain states to hit different cities. Trust me. Don’t gotta tell me. I’m coming. Go here for tix and newsletter.

    Undo
  2. 8 hours ago

    How soon until Trump decides that he wants a gavel, just like Nancy has. But he’ll want a bigger, beautiful one. And also he thinks it’s a hammer.

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  3. Me today driving.

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  4. Folks in my extended family (Massachusetts) who want a border wall because they really believe thousands of rapists and murderers are flooding into SoCal daily, never once have asked me, a SoCal resident if I’m okay. I find that a fascinating piece of psychology to ponder.

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  5. Retweeted

    I’ll be ruining comedy and looking for new people to (have) hurt (faces from laughing) at my shows. Come see me on tour everyone.

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  6. When did everyone start saying, “It’s gonna be” instead of “it is?” As in, “your change is gonna be fifty cents” as they hand me the change. “The item you’re looking for is gonna be behind the display on the left.” It’s not gonna be these things. It IS these things.

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  7. I think you can take the Rudolph nose and antlers off of your car now. And I think you can question why you ever put them on in the first place.

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  8. I’ve already blown past the point of walking into a room, stopping and thinking, “Why did I come in here?” I just stood up and had no idea which room I was about to wander into.

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  9. I’ll be ruining comedy and looking for new people to (have) hurt (faces from laughing) at my shows. Come see me on tour everyone.

    Undo
  10. Jan 3

    It’s that time of year when we should be hibernating but everyone’s offering counterintuitive “challenges”! “It’s a new year! Come meditate your ass off! Be the best at being!!!! Get your energy drink and get mindful, muthafuckaass!!!”

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  11. Jan 3

    I’m back Chicago! See you in two weeks! Tix 🎫👉🏼

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  12. Jan 3

    Watching the news and some of this new congress is YOUNG...

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  13. Jan 3

    Exactly two years ago. I never thought this week in 2019 would come where we are closer than ever to proverbially taking out the trash.

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  14. Jan 3
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  15. Jan 2

    13 years ago on our silly little VH1 sketch show “Acceptable TV” we had no idea that Donald Trump could ever be president the Apprentice Spoof “Operation Kitten Calendar” wouldn’t be far from how he runs his White House. 😂😭 “kiss my ass”

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  16. Jan 2

    If a man is “busy running around the country” to become a progressive president but he can’t fairly pay the women on his own team who are trying to help him achieve that goal, or deal with the harassment on his staff that he put together, the man should take up knitting instead.

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  17. Jan 2

    I wrote this in my comedy notebook in 1997 after only two weeks in comedy. (Just in case anyone thinks continually asking us this question is fun or interesting to us. It’s been our lives since day one.)

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  18. Jan 2

    I know the red hats think he can do no wrong - so not them, but people who tolerate Trump - do you find it odd that he never mentions his CHILD SON? Cuz I do and I'm a childless, Hollywood liberal heathen.

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  19. Jan 2
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  20. Retweeted
    Jan 2

    That’s sad but also who makes up a stage name that’s less cool than their actual name!?

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  21. Jan 2

    Million dollar idea for The Village People. Have a 2019 comeback with your new song Matcha Man.

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