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Prikvačeni tweet
I grew up poor but had no idea. I’d brag about my life even, like ‘oh you only get to use a caravan on special holidays? Mate.. I LIVE in one!’
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An ex once told me I’d never find love but JUST LOOK AT ME NOW! (Texting to see if he knows where I left my keys, cuz homeboy definitely has psychic powers)
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Jayde O'Brien proslijedio/la je Tweet
I know it's scary but keep in mind that Wuhan Coronavirus only has a 2% fatality rate. I know restaurants with a 2% fatality rate
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Jayde O'Brien proslijedio/la je Tweet
Whenever I see someone on one of these, I like to imagine they started out with a much larger vehicle and their journey has been riddled with mishaps.pic.twitter.com/GcAhhONDHY
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Jayde O'Brien proslijedio/la je Tweet
“I’ve CC’d in my boss” - professional - corporate - mildly threatening “You wanna say that in front of Greg?” - confident - threat level 9000 - who is Greg and what is he capable of
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Me: ‘Conspiracy theories are for idiots’ Also me: *Believes every dude I’ve dated is allergic to latex*
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I mean yeah it’s embarrassing to get caught watching porn but one time my phone paired to a speaker and I was listening to my own podcast.
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Jayde O'Brien proslijedio/la je Tweet
I will go anywhere with you as long as I can stay in the car.
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Being ghosted - Day 1 - ‘I hope he’s ok!’ Day 3 - ‘He better be dead.’
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi
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It’s pretty old fashioned but I definitely sleep better with a man in the house. My insomnia is no match for someone describing the BOM radar to me every night.
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Dating apps were invented when women saw how expensive it was to get a plumber out after 4pm.
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Jayde O'Brien proslijedio/la je Tweet
. My 20s: Oh my god. What will I do with my life? Gotta stay on top of my shit. I CAN'T SCREW THIS UP! My 50s: Boy... *slug of scotch*... that didn't go well.
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Jayde O'Brien proslijedio/la je Tweet
dudes get mad at the “women and children first” rule like women and children made that rule. that’s some tough guy “I ain’t scared to die” bullshit you guys did to yourselves. if you don’t want to go down with the ship then learn how to cry in public you sociopaths.
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Jayde O'Brien proslijedio/la je Tweet
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
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Disabled parking permits are for rookies. Get a ‘Police Aware’ sticker and some caution tape.. you can park INSIDE Kmart if you feel like it.
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Jayde O'Brien proslijedio/la je Tweet
I overhead a woman telling someone a web address and instead of saying "double u double u double u" she just said "Triple W" and it changed my world.
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Jayde O'Brien proslijedio/la je Tweet
It doesn't matter if you're not attractive, or intelligent, or funny. All that matters is that you give me $40
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Always douche before a date. (‘Douching’ is when you have sex with a hot D-bag, so you don’t sleep with ‘Mr Right’ straight away).
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It’s crazy how when a guy doesn’t get my joke it’s because the joke is bad, and everyone who DID get it only pretended because they want to have sex with me. I’m so glad an open micer was available to explain this.
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I’m now monetising content. Starting today you’ll all get daily videos where I explain conspiracy theories of my own invention (MAN on the moon? The landing was real, Neil Armstrong wasn’t). $10 to unsubscribe. $5 per month to STAY unsubscribed.
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