Jesse Neil

@JTrainNeil

I once choked out a goose when I was five years olf. Yeah, I know I typed "olf" instead of "old" but what's done is done.

Los Angeles, CA
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Joined May 2009
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  1. Pinned Tweet
    29 Jul 2016

    To get your Donald Trump name take the street you grew up on, then don't let any minorities rent property there.

    14 replies 77 retweets 241 likes
  2. Jun 6

    If the next OK Go music video is them untangling all of Trump's ties to Russia, it'll be their most complicated video yet.

    2 retweets 13 likes
  3. Jun 5

    Just finished writing my mansplaining version of 'Love Actually' titled 'Actually, Love.'

    4 retweets 21 likes
  4. Jun 2

    "Wanna see my new blackout curtains?" (Curtains chug an 8th of whiskey, then challenge a lamp to a fight)

    2 retweets 6 likes
  5. Jun 2

    Figured out what covfefe means. It's an acronym: Cnone Of Vthese Fjokes arE Funny E

    2 retweets 14 likes
  6. Jun 1

    If you stuck me in a time machine set for September 10th 2001, I’d get there and warn people not to watch ‘The Apprentice.’

    3 retweets 14 likes
  7. May 31

    Next on Property Brothers: Jonathan and Drew are still houses after being cursed by a celtic witch as they renovate a colonial 4 bedroom.

    8 likes
  8. May 29

    Welcome to Guitar Center. My name's Chad if you need help. Or you can talk to Chad in drums, or Chad in electronics. My supervisor, Chad, wi

    10 likes
  9. May 26

    (Six men quietly carry a casket through the rain) MAN #1: ... MAN #2: ... MAN #3: ... MAN #4: ...we should be called Doug-bearers.

    13 likes
  10. May 24

    "Why didn't you and Frodo ride those eagles to Mt. Doom?" "Again, I'm not Gandalf." "That elf chick was like a 6, tops." "That was a man."

    12 likes
  11. May 24

    Seems mean that the word diet is in diabetes.

    1 reply 3 likes
  12. May 23

    Every character in your script that's not named Evan Essence is a character that could've had a funnier name.

    3 retweets 15 likes
  13. May 22

    You guys see that picture of Trump and that glowing, white, round thing that looks like it's going to destroy the world? Steve Bannon?

    2 likes
  14. May 22

    Rose is light red Jack’s skin is blue This ‘Titanic’ joke is 20 years too late. Please hire me, regardless, to write for you.

    1 retweet 6 likes
  15. May 22

    “My Spidey-dick is tingling.” “Cut!”

    7 likes
  16. May 20

    Nate Silver is predicting that there’s a 70% this joke setup isn’t overused.

    1 reply 5 likes
  17. May 19

    "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may... Get. Fucking. Crazy." Coming to theaters this summer, it's 'Till Death Do You Party!'

    1 reply 8 likes
  18. May 18

    The scariest part of death for Roger Ailes was not being able to judge the Grim Reaper on his skin color.

    6 likes
  19. May 17

    KID: There's a monster under my bed! (Looks under bed. Pulls out DVD copy of 'Monster') MOM: Oh, I get it. KID: Yeah, it's not my best joke.

    1 reply 17 likes
  20. May 16

    My baloney has a first name, it’s S-t-e-v-e. My baloney has a second name, it's S-m-i-t- holy shit I’m eating a person!

    10 likes
  21. May 15

    I'm 100% sure that Trump has gotten angry at Sean Spicer for being in the Ghostbusters reboot.

    10 likes

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