Ingrid Elkner III

In 5 years when the male comedians are humiliated by wearing skinny jeans on the 2018 Allstars Supershow, a hug is waiting for you.

I'm going to run a straight & gay speed-dating night, just so when women walk in I can ask "Cis or Scissoring?"

Reads a bad pun. Breathe deep, go to the calm place. You were 55 and dull once too. Wait, no--

Trick kids into eating vegetables by sprinkling them between a thick base of refined grain dough and a blanket of greasy, stringy cow lactate designed to fatten up a growing calf. Health never tasted so good!

Here's a joke for ya: How do you know when a freelancer is at the dentist? Trick question! They can't afford a dentist.

My dad used to chastise me for getting only 99 out of 100 on an Indonesian test. He can't speak one other language. If only kids knew how to see 'the grown-ups' as we do now, we'd have told them to go fuck themselves into therapy. Are you mis-shaping your kids?

Vegan friend hack: When a vegan friend says "I don't eat anything with a face", go in and stick googly eyes to all their fruit & veg. Watch the bastards starve.

Please note: We do not accept currency as a form of payment. Please pay with •Thoughts & prayers •Exposure •Promise of money when it becomes a viral success •Verbal reminders that our parents were right telling us to not be artists, and change subject to our better sibling/s

Don't wait until someone's funeral to say the great things about them. Don't be a coward. Love them today. No P.S. by a hospital bed. Today. Today. Today.

As the owner of 8 children and zero condoms, I am concerned about the future present of the past, and I think people out there doing things should be stopped.

I can't believe the one film that's made me laugh loudest in years is Adam Sandler's 'That's My Boy'. So good.

I'm so poor, my summer house is my winter house and it's not my house.

Going NDA-for-pay.

You can't let your political leanings stop you from saving animals! The Southern Right Whale needs as much love as the Northern Left Dugong and all the protected vaping species.

I don't believe in being an atheist.

Being a female on the internet: Buy my thing! 'Like' my thing! Suck my thing! Show me your things!

Dinner party. "Me and my partner are trying to conceive." "Oh, what does he do?" "He sticks his thing in me and moves it in and out several times. Why, have you heard another way?"

*Looks at her species and its technology* Wait, so humans are supposed to be more like robots, and robots more like humans?

Promo recruiters: I WANT TO MONETISE YOUR ATTRACTIVENESS. SEX SELLS PROBIOTIC DRINKS