I was a timid, awkward teenager. I inherited the figure of the women on my dads side of the family - the “hourglass,” I had a large chest, small waist and wide hips. Despite having an immature, naïve mind, I was sexualised due to my figure long before I reached womanhood. 2/19
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When I was 16 years old, I got on a train heading to Glasgow central station to meet up and hang out with some friends. Not that it's important, but I was wearing jeans and a hoody. And, I'll restate, I was 16 years old. 3/19
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At one of the stops, a man got on the train. Now, the train carriage was basically empty. Maybe there were a few other people, but the two seats across from me were empty and the four seats across the aisle from me were empty. The man sat in the seat directly next to me. 4/19
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When I was 16 I did what I still do today – I wore my headphones when in public (even if I wasn't listening to anything), basically to stop people from initiating small talk with me. So if he or anyone else said anything to me, I could simply pretend I didn't hear them. 5/19
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So, this man has sat next to me on an empty train. I didn't look at him but I could see him clearly in the reflection of the window. He was sitting shoulder to shoulder with me, staring right at me but he didn't say anything. I sat still, staring out the window. 6/19
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Then he began to touch himself. He didn't pull his dick out and wasn't sitting next there going to town on himself. He just started pressing the heel of his hand into his crotch, pressing on himself all the while staring at the back of my head as I watched his reflection. 7/19
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He did this just as we were pulling away from a stop he'd got on at, so I sat there, staring out the window, pretending I could neither see nor hear him, for the next few minutes until the next stop, where I got off. He stayed on the train. 8/19
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I had gotten off at a stop that was not mine, so I had to wait for the next train in order to get home, which I eventually did. But the experience stuck with me, more than others despite being tame compared to them. 9/19
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It suck with me because for years, I hated myself for not saying or doing anything. Why didn't I ask him what the fuck he thought he was doing? Why didn't I shove him away and scream pervert at him? Why didn't I get up immediately?? Why was I such a pathetic coward? 10/19
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Even though this man had been the one in the wrong, I wasn't angry at him afterwards – I was angry at myself. I was ashamed that I couldn't stand up for myself. And I remember thinking “If I was a man, that would never have happened to me.” 11/19
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I know men and boys have to deal with perverts too, but in my 16 year old mind all the shitty things of that nature that happened to me - repeatedly - happened because I was female. It planted the seed in my brain that female = weak and cowardly, male = strong and brave. 12/19
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This mentality, that women were weak and men were strong, festered in me for a long time. Over the course of my teens, I would be victimized by other men. Men I trusted – and that proved my point even more in my mind. I hated being a woman and I hated having a female body. 13/19
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When I found trans material online; found out I could become a man, I jumped on it. I couldn't wait to begin transition. I felt like I'd found the key to happiness at last. I found what I needed, finally! I would no longer be weak and pathetic – I'd be a man. 14/
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What I've just told you, one unfortunate experience among many, should have been discussed and dissected at my gender clinic. When it comes to the massive rise in girls and women flocking to gender clinics, the therapists there MUST dig for and investigate such experiences. 15/19
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We don't know exactly why there has been such a surge in girls and young women developing dysphoria and booking appointments at gender clinics, but I can promise you that some of them will be there as a form of escapism – and that will not be revealed with affirmation only. 16/19
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We need exploratory talk therapy at gender clinics. We need to ask uncomfortable questions. We need to get to the root of gender dysphoria – because, in many cases, there's no doubt in my mind that the self-hatred many women (and men) feel will not be alleviated by transition. 17
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Transition will merely bury the trauma, which will resurface at some point. And when that pain resurfaces after taking cross-sex hormones and undergoing surgery which permanently and irreversibly changes you well, take it from me – it is absolutely soul-crushing. 18/19
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We need to care for dysphoric people and affirmation is NOT the way to do that. My story is my own and I'm not saying EVERY person with dysphoria has it for the reasons I do, but we need to be aware of the various causes - affirmation only removes that. It's dangerous. 19/19
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