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My mum reluctantly supported my transition. She knew I was mentally unwell when I began pursuing it. She knew I was probably making a mistake. Yet, she said nothing. Why? Fear. The fear of a mother, that her vulnerable daughter would cut her off if she objected. 1/8
She revealed something to me recently that she's never told me before. She attended counseling to address her grief at losing a daughter when I began to transition. She felt her daughter had died, and in her place was some man who was demanding to be her son. 2/8
She was a grieving mother with nobody and nowhere to turn to, because her grief was painted as transphobic and hateful, when in fact it was the opposite. It was unconditional love for her daughter that forced her to support me and stay by my side even though it hurt her. 3/8
Nobody ever asked her how she was. Nobody ever checked in to see how she was handling the loss of her youngest daughter. People just kept saying “good for her,” while she cried herself to sleep after looking at my baby pictures. 4/8
My mum didn't question or challenge me because she didn't want to lose me. The gender clinic had no such pressure. It was their job to question and challenge me – to evaluate my (clearly) poor mental health and treat me accordingly. Instead, they handed me HRT and surgery. 5/8
I'll never forget my mums face when I showed her the result of my double mastectomy. She physically recoiled, but then pulled herself together to support me. But I'll never forget the horror in her face when she saw her physically healthy daughters bloody, bandaged chest. 6/8
Today, my wonderful mum is still by my side, and has been equally supportive of my detransition. But I'll never forget the pain I put her through, the expectations I had – that she forget her beloved daughter and welcome her new son without question. 7/8
The parents of trans people receive so little support or compassion. It is not transphobic for you to grieve, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I used to say “I'm still me!” but I wasn't. Transition changes you, and your loved ones will be the first to notice that. 8/8
Wow. Such an important thread. Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad your wonderful mom has been by your side. I’m sad for the pain both of you have been through. Dear friends of mine who are parents of a trans man have had a very similar experience. It is heartbreaking for all. 
It is. Whether or not transition works out for an individual, I think it's important for them to remember that they're not the only ones going through a massive change - they're loved ones share the journey, and shouldn't be expected to be enthusiastically on board immediately.
Thank you As parents we r vilified no matter what position we take. Our grief isn't acknowledged due to it's ambiguous nature. Our job is 2 shield our children from harm & we r being called criminal 4 doing so. We r fighting a monsterous ideology that is w/out conscience.
I feel you <3 it wasn't until I sat down with my mum and she really opened up that I realized how painful the whole thing was for her. She did a good job hiding her pain from me (to protect me), but now that I know, I intent to talk about it for every parent like her out there.
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