I try so hard to be positive, but I can’t believe my doctors let me do this to myself. They shouldn't have allowed this.
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It’s too late for what I want. I want to hug my younger self and assure her she’s fine as she is. All I can do is watch as transition continues to be glorified. Watch these kids as they lap up gender ideology. I bare the scars of it but even I can’t reach them. I'm sorry.
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While I’m drunk I’m going to say some uncomfortable truths. Transition has SO much to do with appearing “cool.” The historical figures I respected, fictional characters I liked, people I envied in my life – they were male. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to *be* them. Male.
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I hated womanhood. From my core, I despised it. I loathed being a woman so much. So, I transitioned, and all was grand. I felt free? But no, I was still female. I can’t escape that. I had psychological issues that needed addressing – no, not gender affirmation.
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What I needed to hear was this: “you’re not male, you will never be male because you were not born male. You're female, and cannot change that." That makes you think, because it's true!
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I was a tomboy, and a nerdy kid. I read a lot of books and biographies and all my heroes were male.
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I understand this feeling!!!!! I don't feel like those awesome people because I'm a woman, which makes me feel...different, somehow. Not the same, not as cool and strong. I detested being a woman, too. Still not thrilled, but it is what it is.
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I'm so sorry you has to go through this. I hope your story can help others, though. *random internet stranger hug*
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It's taken me 46 years and this debate to realise just how much of gender dysphoria in women is down to just that - deeply internalised misogyny and hatred of women and being a woman. Which is actually pretty sad in itself and needs research and work.
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