I try so hard to be positive, but I can’t believe my doctors let me do this to myself. They shouldn't have allowed this.
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I was a 24-year-old woman when I walked into the gender clinic. I had a history of mental health problems, but I was physically healthy and fit. Why did they let me inject testosterone and surgically remove my breasts? Because I said I wanted it. Why didn’t they challenge me?
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I got hormones after a few appointments. When doubt set in late 2017-18 I stopped attending the clinic. It’s now 2020 and I haven't heard from them – they don’t even know I’ve detransitioned. When were they going say, since I haven’t had a hysterectomy, I may experience atrophy?
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I'm happy for other trans people I really am. I’m happy they’re happy. I wish I could’ve been happy as a transman. I was, for a while. But now? I’m staring reality in the face and I’m miserable. I’m a hormonally and surgically altered woman and I’m not even 30. My body's a mess.
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It’s too late for what I want. I want to hug my younger self and assure her she’s fine as she is. All I can do is watch as transition continues to be glorified. Watch these kids as they lap up gender ideology. I bare the scars of it but even I can’t reach them. I'm sorry.
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While I’m drunk I’m going to say some uncomfortable truths. Transition has SO much to do with appearing “cool.” The historical figures I respected, fictional characters I liked, people I envied in my life – they were male. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to *be* them. Male.
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I hated womanhood. From my core, I despised it. I loathed being a woman so much. So, I transitioned, and all was grand. I felt free? But no, I was still female. I can’t escape that. I had psychological issues that needed addressing – no, not gender affirmation.
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What I needed to hear was this: “you’re not male, you will never be male because you were not born male. You're female, and cannot change that." That makes you think, because it's true!
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End of conversation
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Because you would have branded them transphobic, taken it viral online and gotten them maligned then fired from their job. Why should anyone risk their livelihood, and everything and everyone that depends on it?
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I sympathise, I really do. But given what the transphobic label can do to your career and your life, who would take the risk to convince you against transitioning?
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