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Accepting that my transition was in response to not only my self-hatred, but my hatred of womanhood in general, has been a long journey. When I lived as a trans man my day-to-day goal was simple: Be a man. Pass as male. To be seen as a woman was to fail at this goal 1/6
I used to stare at myself, meticulously picking apart everything that was wrong – everything that made me a woman. My discomfort with myself gradually turned into resentment and eventually, hatred. My own reflection stirred up extreme emotions, anything from panic to rage 2/6
So, turned to the internet. I spent hours every night obsessively reading “How to Pass” guides. What haircut to get, what clothes to wear, how to bind, how to walk and talk. How to succeed at the goal that now defined my life – how to pass as male 3/6
Every day, I realize more and more that I wasn’t learning to “be the real me" - the reply I'd parrot to those who asked why I wanted to transition. Instead, I was learning to “be what a man should be” Being seen as a woman meant failure. Being a woman, to me, meant failure 4/6
My insidious hatred for womanhood grew under these conditions. I now know that failing to pass didn’t upset me because it meant I wasn’t a man, it upset me because it reminded me that I was, in fact, a woman. Despite how much I wished otherwise 5/6
Since realizing all of this, I’ve been on a journey of self-acceptance. Detransitioning, learning to not only accept that I’m a woman, but also learning to love that fact as well. If I can learn to love and accept myself, anyone can. 6/6
I got similar feelings about my reflection BEFORE transition
As did I. I hope transition has helped you relieve those feelings.
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