"We can't let the remedy be worse than the illness" I say, as I peddle unproven remedies so workers can continue to make the good numbers go up until their kidneys fail or they go blind.
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You, a moron: If you pour gasoline on that fire, it'll make the fire worse. Me, an intellectual: Well that's just your opinion.
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Oil Industry Shocked That People May Try To Use Water To Put Out Firespic.twitter.com/CnZ9BWfLVJ
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"we can't do that, that's basically Marshal Law. We Live In A Free Society." I scoff, at the notion of telling banks to pause bill collections during a global health emergency causing record unemployment.
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*while donating my weekly blood plasma quota to AmazonDisneyAppleCo to renew my SleepPod rental* "Finally, Freedom."
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@TheOnion this except for all the other problems we can't fix because we live in a free society and nobody else does, apparentlypic.twitter.com/9oMzTnxowK
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Humans risk becoming addicted to being alive, much to the concern of The Good Numbers.
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A new Machine Learning model, sponsored by The Good Numbers, suggests you should devote your life to making The Good Numbers go up faster.
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At least 93.2% of deaths involve the underlying condition of dying...coincidence????
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"The worst thing you can do is give someone something for nothing" I say smugly, owning The Left. "It's basic economics", I gasp, as Nestle desiccates my corpse and sells the water back to the prison worker fire department at a sufficient market value to satisfy shareholders.
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Stock futures suggest flagrantly spreading contagious disease is a good thing.
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you, an idiot: "why are you doing that?" me, an intellectual: *spritzes ebola onto my own face as I watch my stock portfolio skyrocket*
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you, an idiot: "why does Twitter punch me in the face every time I post?" me, a well-adjusted human: *punches myself in the face while boosting videos of face punching* my followers: "what the fuck?" a well-adjusted algorithm: "ɪ ɴ ᴛ ʀ ɪ ɢ ᴜ ɪ ɴ ɢ"
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you, an idiot: "why are you doing that?" me, an upstanding citizen, replacing my blood with corn syrup: "this is a country of ʟᴀᴡs"
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if the man that is not orange gets elected the good numbers will go down, and we can't let the good numbers go down because they're good, and that would be bad, which means the orange man is good
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you, an idiot: why are you cutting out your own kidney and writing on it? me, an upstanding citizen: how else would I vote? you, still an idiot: that's insane. me, sealing the DHL envelope: Thi͎͢s͚̜̰ I͏̦̹̗s̩ ̛̖̙̙̖A͏ ̢͖͔̙N̸at̘̹̬̥i̬̣͇o̡n̛̗̣̯͔̝ ̫̜͍͙̭O̵̘f̠̦͍̻̘̼̺ ̖̀L̗̝̟ͅa͔̮͢w̸̜s̠̠̙̞̲
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Catching a communicable disease to keep the good numbers happy and to own the libs.
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If we add water to the good numbers it will make them go up faster and that's good, right?
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Keeping hospitals from overloading? That's not science! We need to keep the good numbers going up for my stock portfolio, it's science! - Science People, 2020
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wUH-Oh The wrong people bent the good squiggly number line, and that makes it bad.pic.twitter.com/h2sFgFgnZO
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you, an idiot: can we maybe pause the economy and give people some aid to tide then over during a global pandemic? me, a stonk expert: can we pause the economy and give the bankers some aid because some memes made the good number line too wibbly for them to understand?
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End of conversation
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