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  1. Pinned Tweet
    27 Dec 2015

    Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

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  2. Retweeted
    26 Nov 2018

    STEVIE NICKS: Thunder only happens when it's raining ME: We've told you before this isn't true STEVIE: Lightning only happens when I scream at garbage ME: Again no STEVIE: Weather is controlled by Italians ME: Okay please retire

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  3. Retweeted
    20 hours ago

    Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" is my favorite song about a dude making out with a plant

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  4. Retweeted
    18 Nov 2018

    My deepest fear is not that I’m inadequate but that I really blew it when I ignored a DM that said, “Goddess, can I send you money?”

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  5. Retweeted
    27 Dec 2015

    Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

    Show this thread
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  6. 13 hours ago

    [Before x was invented] Who's gonna give it to me

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  7. Retweeted
    Jan 1

    actually i think i’m gonna sit this one out. i’ll see y’all in 2020

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  8. 17 hours ago

    Oh dear, I can't believe Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was found dancing. The GOP would never do something so stupid

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  9. Retweeted
    18 hours ago

    ME: I’d like to return this sports bra. CASHIER: Why? ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports. CASHIER: It's just clothing. You train to be good at sports. ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

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  10. 20 hours ago

    I just got a shiny new haircut and now I'm next to a tree. This is a selfie call, show me your faces.

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  11. 20 hours ago

    Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" is my favorite song about a dude making out with a plant

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  12. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    NETFLIX: We have a movie ME: I'm listening NETFLIX: About people who go insane ME: Go on... NETFLIX: Unless you blindfold yourself and avoid everyone ME: This is the most relatable content in the universe

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  13. Jan 4
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  14. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    A fun fact about the 1980s is that everything was a saxophone

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  15. Jan 3

    ME: Why are pickled cucumbers just called pickles? Why isn't pickled ginger called pickles? Or onions? Why only cucumbers? COP: Sir technically this isn't a crime, please leave the station

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  16. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    To everyone telling me how courageous I am for appearing in the doc, it didn't feel risky at all. I believe these women and don't give a fuck about protecting a serial child rapist. Easy decision.

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  17. Jan 3

    WAITER: So what can I get you folks? ME: I'll order for myself and my date. We'll have two bowls of Spaghetti-O's with hot dogs WAITER: Uh we don't - ME: [crams two cans of it in waiter's pocket] Yes you do *winks*

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  18. Jan 3

    A fun fact about the 1980s is that everything was a saxophone

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  19. Jan 3
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  20. Retweeted
    5 May 2018

    AGE 21: I haven't slept in 3 days cause of finals but I'm gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow AGE 35: Sorry I'd love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I'm gonna be resting for the next week

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  21. Jan 3

    NETFLIX: We have a movie ME: I'm listening NETFLIX: About people who go insane ME: Go on... NETFLIX: Unless you blindfold yourself and avoid everyone ME: This is the most relatable content in the universe

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