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Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
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Michael Retweeted
STEVIE NICKS: Thunder only happens when it's raining ME: We've told you before this isn't true STEVIE: Lightning only happens when I scream at garbage ME: Again no STEVIE: Weather is controlled by Italians ME: Okay please retire
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Michael Retweeted
Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" is my favorite song about a dude making out with a plant
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Michael Retweeted
My deepest fear is not that I’m inadequate but that I really blew it when I ignored a DM that said, “Goddess, can I send you money?”
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Michael Retweeted
Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
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[Before x was invented] Who's gonna give it to me
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Michael Retweeted
actually i think i’m gonna sit this one out. i’ll see y’all in 2020
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Oh dear, I can't believe Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was found dancing. The GOP would never do something so stupidpic.twitter.com/A5jhE9GpvF
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Michael Retweeted
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra. CASHIER: Why? ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports. CASHIER: It's just clothing. You train to be good at sports. ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
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I just got a shiny new haircut and now I'm next to a tree. This is a selfie call, show me your faces.pic.twitter.com/49TYm0IuvP
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Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" is my favorite song about a dude making out with a plant
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Michael Retweeted
NETFLIX: We have a movie ME: I'm listening NETFLIX: About people who go insane ME: Go on... NETFLIX: Unless you blindfold yourself and avoid everyone ME: This is the most relatable content in the universe
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Unstoppable penises are why we're in this mess to begin withhttps://metro.co.uk/2018/01/08/male-sex-robots-unstoppable-bionic-penises-coming-year-7213306/?ito=article.amp.share.top.twitter …
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Michael Retweeted
A fun fact about the 1980s is that everything was a saxophone
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ME: Why are pickled cucumbers just called pickles? Why isn't pickled ginger called pickles? Or onions? Why only cucumbers? COP: Sir technically this isn't a crime, please leave the station
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Michael Retweeted
To everyone telling me how courageous I am for appearing in the doc, it didn't feel risky at all. I believe these women and don't give a fuck about protecting a serial child rapist. Easy decision.
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WAITER: So what can I get you folks? ME: I'll order for myself and my date. We'll have two bowls of Spaghetti-O's with hot dogs WAITER: Uh we don't - ME: [crams two cans of it in waiter's pocket] Yes you do *winks*
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A fun fact about the 1980s is that everything was a saxophone
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Hey, here's some people to follow:
@MKupperman@Buffalojilll@KimmyMonte@Mom_Overboard@MartySarahPod@ColeEscola@karencheee@theSolemnBard@i_Lean@HMittelmark@AlexKumin@TylerSnodThanks. Twitter will use this info to make your timeline better. UndoUndo -
Michael Retweeted
AGE 21: I haven't slept in 3 days cause of finals but I'm gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow AGE 35: Sorry I'd love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I'm gonna be resting for the next week
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NETFLIX: We have a movie ME: I'm listening NETFLIX: About people who go insane ME: Go on... NETFLIX: Unless you blindfold yourself and avoid everyone ME: This is the most relatable content in the universe
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