Hollie Hughes

Anxiety: A Thread.

When I was younger I remember playing Football and, like clockwork, before every game I would feel nauseous and eventually throw up. The same would happen when I would travel. Big moments, whether the start of a game or the beginning of a trip, would make me feel sick.

I'd say it wasn't until way later in life I successfully identified that feeling as anxiety. It manifests itself in a myriad ways but, for me, it was nausea and feelings of doubt. "I can't go to this show." Or "You can't board this roller coaster.".

Each time, however, I was able to push through whether through breathing techniques or sipping water (baby sips as Neira affectionately calls them). And, if necessary, I had medication. But I only used that as a last resort. I wanted to do it on my own.

Now I'm writing this because for the first time in a long time I let the feelings win. I should be Miami bound for work, but I found myself dry heaving in a bathroom stall crying because I felt I could not board the flight. And I was out of meds because my prescription expired.

When I finally was able to make the decision to not go (after talking to to my manager and conveying the situation) a huge weight feels lifted off my shoulders. I feel infinitely better. But at the same time I know I lost the battle for the first time in a long time.

All this is to say: anxiety fucking sucks. It's hard to explain to people and I've also told people about it and they'll comment that they never would've guessed. Everyone is fighting their own battles, often times completely internal.

The best we can do is support each other. Not only in the most dire times of need but in general. Mental health is a serious issue that wreaks havoc on people. If you are suffering from issues and feel comfortable, reach out to friends or seek professional help.