Cullen Crawford

@HelloCullen

professional comedy writer but TO WHAT END?! (The Onion News Network, Clickhole, The Late Show w Colbert, Marvel cartoon, unemployed)

Los Angeles, CA
Vrijeme pridruživanja: lipanj 2011.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    21. pro 2019.

    Why do I tweet so much? I guess it's because Twitter is a digital playground where myself and my fellow modern day jesters dance on the graves of tradition and sharpen our rapier wits (and tongues besides!)

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  2. ok that's all the rejects so far. THESE ARE GOOD JOKES AND IM AVAILABLE TO WORK RIGHT NOW

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  3. yeah, yeah great for Taika, but when when I dress up like Hitler and talk to children everyone's mad!?

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  4. I don't care who you are: man, woman, gay, straight, in between, everyone dreams of going down that famous red carpet. But enough about Jessica Chastain.

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  5. There's Parasite which, for anyone rich enough to be at the Oscars, is an unflinching look at the brutal truth that their housekeepers really are stealing from them.

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  6. Todd Phillips was nominated for best director for Joker. And he really deserves all the credit. Of course, by "he" I mean Martin Scorsese.

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  7. Everyone is talking about how cruel the academy was to little women, but enough about Epstein's flight logs

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  8. 1917, of course, was a World War 1 epic, not the ages of Leonardo Dicaprio's last two girlfriends

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  9. I had to write some jokes for a weird oscar gig and now im going to tweet out all the ones they didnt want. see if you can guess why!

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 14 sati

    Benki-Shiroishi, a toilet-headed blues singer sitting on a toilet, is the mascot for Japan’s Sanpoll toilet disinfectant.

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  11. prije 10 sati

    Umm there's only one Sneaky Pete I wanna watch and his name is Giovanni Ribisi I think

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  12. prije 20 sati

    "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mayor Pete every time the Charmin Bears appear on screen

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    6. velj
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  14. prije 22 sata

    Trying to ignore news

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
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  16. prije 22 sata

    Tom Perez doing everything he can to guarantee low turnout in he general

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    6. velj
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  18. prije 23 sata

    I know Tom Perez sucks because if he didn't I wouldn't know who he was

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  19. prije 23 sata

    Everyone loves the democrats, the wonderful party who is less corrupt than the GOP! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you...

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Let me see if I understand this. 97% of the votes are counted. Bernie surges and is about to take the lead in delegates. calls for something called a "recanvass."

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  21. prije 23 sata

    Galaxy Peen

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