Of course for a tiny minority of people, devoting their entire life to a family & home and none to work is absolutely right just as for a small minority of people, devoting their entire life to work and none to a family & home is absolutely right. https://twitter.com/Paul_Bergkamp/status/999158977199071233 …
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I think it's clear that having a social default that most men & women will pursue both work lives and family lives is spot on. The balance of this will vary & men are more likely to prioritise the former & women the latter & there will be some who only want one but uncommonly.
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But assuming most people will have both kinds of needs does not entail blaming them if they don't. Again, the individual matters. My father is a workoholic who didn't want children tho he loved me once I got here. Even now, he has to limit family time to be on his own &I get that
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It was the existence of him that made me realise it is OK to be the way I am. Very much in my own head, absorbed in my own interests, with limited capacity for socialising even with those closest tho I love them dearly. Of course, he's probably also why I am this way.
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My cousin, as I have already mentioned, is someone who is utterly absorbed in her family & home. She has limited capacity to take an interest in anything else. That's fine too. It's who she is. And I'm grateful she exists & to be part of that family & be loved by her.
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I do not take a side on 'shame women into prioritising home life' or 'shame women into prioritising careers' because I don't think we should be shaming anyone and I also don't think women are that malleable. But I object to anyone thinking the default for women should just be one
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End of conversation
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So those who choose to dedicate themselves to home/family “can’t find a way to realize their (real) ambitions” and thus make do by devoting themselves to family? Maybe for some (and not just a tiny minority), supporting a family IS their highest ambition—and a noble one at that.
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I said it is for some. Just as devoting a life to work to the exclusion of family is for some. But most people need a bit of both. It's not that intellectual/professional/vocational aims are more real than family life or the other way round.
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Just that it is the rare person who is completely satisfied with just one or the other. The person who prioritises and most enjoys family life is still very likely to have some intellectual/professional/vocational needs as well.
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It isn’t at all rare to encounter women who—given the economic means—would choose to be stay at home moms. I’ve met many who made that choice and felt no burning need to fill out another quarterly sales report or draft another legal brief.
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This is what I mean. The options they see are not appealing. It is very unlikely they have no intellectual/vocational interests tho. It could be art or history or medicine or anything. I have no need to fill out sales reports or legal briefs. Most people don't.
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What I’m suggesting is that many find the job of raising children fully satisfying. No need for other work. A good book will suffice. And families are different. Raising one daughter who enjoys alone time is perhaps less... fully occupying than say, raising 4 boys. Just saying.
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And I am disagreeing. I think few people need no personal vocational goals. Yes, of course, having lots of children might mean that they are impossible but it doesn't make the need for them go away. Same with men who want wives & families but can't fit them in.
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You look at stay at home moms the way I look at vegetarians. You’re not judging them, but you can’t quite believe that someone would freely make that choice and be fulfilled. Like, no bacon ever? Yes John. They really don’t want bacon. Yes Helen, they don’t want another job.
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