Well, I spoke not of flipping out but of resignedly giving up trying to help coz you're being told you're not, in the first place. Also, it's not behaviour. It's being white. That makes all the difference. If what you did was have white skin, reflecting won't help much.
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I always found the essential implication of standpoint theory to be really frightening in ways that extend far beyond race and gender. If we are truly so unable to conceive of one another's life experiences, then humanity is really up the creek.
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Yes, and as to whether someone is racist or not, that involves reflection on their beliefs/actions, not the standpoint of an accuser (strangely this is the only time where the lived experience of the actor does not matter to the identitarian types).
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