Hi folks, Just thought I’d add some details about my story since I’m getting a fair few DMs asking if I’m okay. I am okay. What happened to me happened years ago. I left the army not that long afterwards. What happened was an attempted initiation ritual that crossed the line.
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My attackers intended to strip me, tie me up, and stick a track pin into my anus. They tried to ambush me as I was bedding down for the night on the floor on my APC. I saw them coming though. We fought, and I managed to hold my own for long enough that they lost their nerve.
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Immediately afterwards, I wrote down everything that had happened. I was actually a guest with the unit, having joined them a week prior. My attack was witnessed by my two crew mates, who, watching me writing, told me that the officers were in on the whole thing.
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I was persuaded not to immediately report the incident. Instead I waited until I returned home from my secondment to the unit in question. I spoke with my dad, who was a senior officer, about next steps. He spoke with the RSM of the Army (the most senior NCO of the army).
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The RSM started his own enquirers, and word quickly filtered back to my officers, who dragged me in for a dressing down. I was accused of a variety of (sometimes contradictory) things. I had apparently embarrassed myself. I had (being a young officer) not exercised control.
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I had made my superior’s job more difficult because the unit I’d been attached to had denied all wrongdoing and made claims about me in return. I was told that it was not sexual assault because I had fought my attackers off - which was apparently my one saving grace.
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Nonetheless I insisted upon reporting the incident, and was interviewed by a couple of military police (MP). They struck me as disinterested in my report. After a couple of weeks I was informed that the MPs had looked into things and could not substantiate my allegations.
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The matter was dropped - except for the retribution upon myself. I had apparently made a big deal out of nothing, and had caused problems. I had damaged my career in the process. I don’t care about it now, but it really hurt me back then. I was not offered any counselling.
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Years later, when the army had a whole swath of bastardisation claims to look into, my family suggested that I report mine again. I didn’t bother. I’d left the army and had no wish to revisit the past. I know what happened to me shattered my dad’s faith in the army.
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I learned from my experiences though. Part of the reason I became a union delegate was because I knew from my own experience what it feels like to be all alone against a (seemingly) powerful employer. I vowed I would never let anyone feel that way around me.
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But the relevant thing here is the introspection. So many questions would pop into my head. The what if kind. What if I hadn’t been able to defend myself? What would have happened? It was from here that I recognised how vulnerable women must constantly feel.
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And it was from the cover up and the gaslighting that I gained some personal insight into rape culture. I realise I should have figured these things out long before, but I was a 21 year old soldier - you tend to think you can (and are trained to) fight your way out of problems.
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Anyways, it was a while ago and I’ve moved on. I mostly look back on my army service with fondness. Whatever trauma issues I have I won’t go into here. Needless to say, I’m good, though I appreciate the concerns being expressed. It’s definitely the kind of thing that helps.
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I didn’t share this story to garner attention for myself though. If you take anything away from this, let it be a resolve to confront rape culture and rape apologists. Changing attitudes makes it easier to deal with perpetrators. And listen to, believe, and support victims!
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