Grant Tanaka

At the gym, thinking about starting a Bodcast.

“Medicinal” can take many forms, including the tone of voice I use with your children.

My onlyfan is just my mom, and she refuses to pay for a subscription.

My friend found out I drive a stick shift and now she thinks I’m Wonder Woman.

how long have you been emotionally sober?

Never fit in no next of kin stalks for stalkin nothin for talkin wait in the deep molt sketchy fucker asleep catch a clip to the meat and all eight feet scuttle from heat not to die in the street, life of a repo crab

Don’t you just love how it’s only the behemoths talking bout “I need his dick to slam me harder than my kids do doors” like bitch go slam a kale smoothie

Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present. And what a shitty present it is. It’s like the Universe doesn’t even know you at all.

They really need to do a better job of labeling rectal thermometers. *brushes teeth*

It turns out everyone named Lauren is a bitch

I’m probably not going to be around much today, I have a lot of foundless worrying about getting stuck with a fish hook to catch up on.

I’ll never forget you. People tend to remember plagues.

There’s no problem too big that can’t be solved by going back to bed.

February is going to be rough.

Just stop everything, a few times a day, and try to imagine what Lizzo is up to right at that moment.

The time my bongos caught fire. It was terrible. No one would help and the more frantically I tried to put them out the louder everyone cheered.

*successfully avoids high school acquaintance in grocery story for 25 minutes *enters checkout, breathes sigh of relief *feels tap on shoulder GODDAMMIT GLEN WE WERE ALMOST OUT OF HERE