Pleased to announce I have invented a new therapeutic modality. It is called Yelling Therapy. Basically, you come over to my apartment, and I yell right at your face for about 20 minutes. REAL loud. Then I have a cup of chai, and you pay me $80. It cleanses negative energy.
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There are several signs that this works: first, you cry (that is negative energy expressed as fluid), and you feel a strong hesitation in the pit of your stomach, which immediately resolves after you pay me and leave, and is replaced by a tremendous sense of relief.
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Your ears will ring a bit, but this will also clear right up when I'm done (p=0.047). Again, it's negative energy leaving. You'll feel cleansed. All of my inventive insults comparing you to sea life and various threats will quickly fade away.
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Now, people say "well, there's no evidence that this works". Not the point. There's no evidence that it DOESN'T work. Also, the symptoms I mentioned. And a profound feeling of relief, and a new appreciation for peace and centeredness. This is reported by 107% of ppl.
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(Yeah, 107%. I get bystanders too, and I'm goddamn loud.) I would ask you to keep an open mind, because I genuinely feel like I'm helping people. The money I make is immaterial, and also helps me buy medicated cough drops (gotta keep the voice intact).
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James Heathers Retweeted Dr. Jason Fung
In conclusion, form a line and get your money out. I only take cash (non-sequential bills). For more on why I am 100% justified in this endeavour, see the below.https://twitter.com/drjasonfung/status/999289325920702464 …
James Heathers added,
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Incidentally, my first two clients will be
@crackedscience and@GidMK who were kind enough to bring this opportunity to my attention. It's on the house, boyz. Bring a box of tissues, leave the earmuffs behind. I'm gonna CURE ya.3 replies 2 retweets 18 likesShow this thread
What charlatanism! You're just misappropriating the ancient tradition of Kyrgyzstani Loud Therapy, which to be effective must be done in poorly-pronounced Kyrgyz by a slightly racist white American!
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Replying to @jamesheathers @crackedscience
How dare you I'll have you know that I'm entirely unpaid my Fancy Car and Enormous House are just coincidences that prove god's love
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