GeniesLoki

But... do you need to be able to get away from it? This is a thing you're choosing to do to yourself. You can just stop. Negative self-talk is basically unsafe if and only if you cannot be relied upon to stop when it feels too bad.

Unsure of exact generalisable process, but I think this requires at least three things. You have to: 1. Get good at being cruel to people you love. 2. Arrange your life so you mostly don't *need* this. 3. Get comfortable with a certain level of negative emotion.

Without (1) and (2) you are not going to be safe to engage in negative self-talk because you can't be relied on to do it well enough for it to be a net positive. Without (3) the level of negative self-talk you can handle is zero so it doesn't matter how good you are at others.

In order: "Being cruel to people you love" sounds bad, right? It's not, it's good. Examples: * Teasing * Telling someone harsh truths * Not letting someone take the easy route * Domming someone Cruelty lets you knock someone out of a comfortable and easy equilibrium solution.

this is amazing. i’ve been having discussion along these lines too. and basically i’ve realised i have to learn to deliver my message more sensitively. and though i was initially very averse to doing that i may be amending my views

I think often the solution is to not be sensitive but to be supportive. You don't dial down the cruelty, but dial up the kindness to complement it. e.g. "I am speaking harsh truths because you deserve to know, and I love you and support you and will help you deal with them"

this is usually my mo but recently it’s been highlighted to me that the reception of such deliveries may be not be met with the same energy. it’s been tough because the added “sensitivity” seems superficial to me

In my experience you often have to harmonize before you can contradict. It’s not really about you, it’s about the other person pattern-matching you with bad actors