Unsure of exact generalisable process, but I think this requires at least three things. You have to: 1. Get good at being cruel to people you love. 2. Arrange your life so you mostly don't *need* this. 3. Get comfortable with a certain level of negative emotion.
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CBT and the like get a lot of hate around here, but my impression is that CBT is actually quite useful for this process (I haven't tried it myself because I don't really have problems with the sort of thought processes that CBT is designed to solve).
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The reason I think CBT is helpful is that it helps create a certain degree of safety: You know you *can* break these thought loops as they come up, which allows you to safely approach them and gradually defuse them.
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This process of defusing is of course going to be at least a bit uncomfortable, because it requires you constantly going just outside your comfort zone.
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How do you get yourself to do that? Well... take everything I said above and apply it to itself. Mostly use noncoercion (this is exciting! I am excited to see what is in there!) and occasionally give yourself a kick up the arse (stop being lazy and eat your shadow!)
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In this thread I've tried to articulate what the correct amount might look like: Not so much an internal task master, but a little internal trickster god needling you out of your comfort zone, or a kind parent gently telling you that yes it's unfair but we gotta.
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A certain level of gentle cruelty is useful and very fun, and there are all sorts of ways to get that with others. It's a shame to deny yourself that too.
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Shadow eating....
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